Trempealeau Mountain Music...Where It Really Began

Growing up, our ancestry was a prominent topic at family gatherings and in everyday conversations. My great-great-grandfather, Antoine Grignon, a half-Native American, half-white man, was an explorer, fur-trader, U.S. Army servant, documentarian, story-teller, adventurer, and was one of the first settlers in Trempealeau. He is of great importance in our family’s history. Until embarking on this passion project, Trempealeau Mountain Music, I thought he was the most important player in our history, with tremendous influence on his descendants and this place in which we are deeply rooted.

I was wrong! While Antoine Grignon certainly contributed to the people we are today, the individuals who have been the greatest influence in shaping who I am today are the women of my family. Story-tellers, musicians, survivors, joy-makers, hard workers, and even dreamers, the women of my family have carried heavy burdens, lightened by the camaraderie of music, stories, and laughter. I grew up with sing-alongs at every family gathering, stories of people I never met, but who meant a lot to me. I am grateful for the women of my family, my Ma especially. While I didn’t inherit her gifts as a musician, I did receive her love of music and story-telling, gifts I am grateful to share through the creation of Trempealeau Mountain Music: A Locally Curated, Universally Connected, Internet Radio Station. I can't wait to welcome TMM home to my place, in The Caboose at The Station, on Main Street in my hometown of Trempealeau, Wisconsin!

My Aunt Doris, a writer, reporter, photographer, singer, and all-around interesting lady, also very connected to our family’s history and legacy, has been a tremendous influence in my life and has provided the memories I needed to become the woman I am today. I was not around for many of the events in which our family’s memories were made, but are a huge piece of the fabric of my soul. I consider Aunt Doris my link to the truth of our family, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I am grateful for her following recollections of the “Shelterhouse Sing-Alongs”, which she and other women in our family created during the early 1970s. Even though I didn’t arrive Earth-side until 1978, some part of me was there with them then, and they remain with me as I gather the community of souls to bring Trempealeau Mountain Music to life now. Ma and Aunt Doris would say “God is so good”! I say thank you, from the bottom of my ever-lovin heart…I am so grateful for each and every one of you, the women, the leaders, of my family!

 

Shelterhouse Sing-Alongs

Recollections of Doris Deutsch

 Sometimes good things just happen without any planning. Dolorous Heffner, of Trempealeau, WI, loved to play her guitar so people could enjoy singing.  Pauline Kessler, also of Trempealeau, loved playing the piano so people could sing along.  But they didn’t have a place to join their talents and make music happen.

Around 1970, a strange thing happened. Doris Deutsch, Dolorous’s twin sister, decided to try operating the concession stand in the Shelterhouse at Perrot Park.  One evening Dolorous brought her guitar out to the park and they had fun singing with whoever stopped by.

This gave Dolorous an idea: With a piano, they could add cousin Pauline Kessler.  Good ideas come with good luck. Dolorous managed to exchange a portable dishwasher with a lady who had an upright she didn’t want, so now they had a piano! The next step was to get the piano to the park and that alone was “a small miracle”, Dolorous said.  They had a two-wheeled trailer that couldn’t stay balanced with the piano in the middle of it.  Took a long time, and many prayers, according to Dolorous, but it arrived at the Shelterhouse in good condition.

Then the third step was to find the sing-a-long slides and a projector.  Dolorous found a drive-through restaurant that was selling a set, so she bought them all, and a projector.  No one remembers the exact opening night, but it would have been about 7 p.m. on a Saturday in the summer of 1970.  The Saturday Shelterhouse Sing-Alongs became a favorite recreational event at Perrot Park.

The ladies took up a collection that paid for the slides, the occasional replacement projection bulb, and best of all, someone to tune the piano!  Pauline was not able to play in all keys because the piano had a few issues, but her talent on the keys made any shortcomings of the instrument unnoticeable!

Dolorous remembers the raucous laughter, the fun singing with many harmonizing, and the joy of families having fun long before hand-held screens separated them.  People came ready to share their own abilities, and their own musical instruments, including drums and a bagpipe - anything goes!  And go it did!  Carloads of people from the village came to join in the fun.

Shelterhouse Sing-Alongs on Saturday nights lasted from roughly 1970 to 1975, but five years is only a guess.  No one took notes or even photos, so there is no absolute correct account. This bit of remembrance embraces that time. A sing-along revival happened in the early 1990s when members of our California family spent the summers as "camp hosts" at Perrot State Park. Dolorous brought her same guitar, same amp, the projector, white sheet, and "shakey slides". Doris sang harmony and campers stopped in to sing-along or just listen. It was lovely in its own right, but not the same as the Shelterhouse days.

The trio, Doris, Dolorous, and Pauline share a common relative—Antoine Grignon, one of the earliest residents of Trempealeau, and a true Wisconsin historical figure.

So, here's our celebration of the future of Trempealeau Mountain Music at Perrot State Park! Please join us if you can, whether at our fundraiser show or at any stop down the tracks!

Where Do We Go from Here?

 

Oh boy, so much has gone down since I was last inspired to write. Thinking back to over a year ago when I began this work, I realized that I started my blogging experience with a daily entry, spurred and supported by a dear friend and avid writer and creative, Lisa K. Adams.  Instead of looking forward, I am looking back for a way through my current life circumstances.

So, which is the way that's clear?

Since descending into my Dark Night of the Soul Journey one year ago, I have done so much internal work! Although in many present-day moments I often think "Wow, how can I still be this f'd up after all this healing work?!" And then I turn and look down the latest mountain I have summited and I feel like a rock star! I used to go looking for problems to heal, which took me down a dark, tormented, seemingly endless path to nowhere good.

Now, I allow myself to work with the next thing that comes into my awareness. I don't know about you, but there seems to be a quickening, individually and as a collective on this planet. All the things we attempted to sweep under the rug have been built to mass proportion and need to be healed and released. I have given up on global concerns, which used to be of utmost importance to me. Speaking for myself only, I have determined that by healing myself, I am healing my children and my lineage, bringing more authenticity and light into the world by releasing my own darkness. 

Who goes with us, wherever it is we are going?

Quite simply, those who are ready. I have made some drastic changes in my life in recent years. Some people have embraced and supported me, while others have not. Some, who I thought would walk with me through my entire life, are no longer even acquaintances. Some have taken my hand and have shown me the way through my own darkness, just as I have done for others. I have received so many gifts in the form of new connections, and strengthened old ones,  with beautiful humans who have taken the time to support me in one way or another, and I hope I have done the same for them.

It was always important for me to feel liked and appreciated, even if that meant behaving in ways that pleased others while undermining myself. I have learned being liked is no longer a concern as long as I am genuinely myself. Only those who value me will be a part of my life and I can wish all the others well on their own journeys. I learned this in such a stark and startling way about a year ago. Within the span of one minute, I encountered a beautiful soul who told me how much they loved me and what I'm putting out in the world, followed by another expressing "I HATE that woman!!" after they thought I had left the restroom. My thoughts were tormented for days after, trying to reconcile why and how I could have earned someone's hatred, especially someone I have almost no interaction with at all?! 

One of Don Miguel Ruiz's agreements in his book, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, states "Don't take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a result of their own dream or perception of their rules. We all make rules about how things should be, but when you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering". 

Well, ain't that the truth?! With no way to redress whatever I had done to earn this person's hatred, I had to choose to not take that statement personally, or let it eat me alive. It took a hot minute, but I got there...a place I'm quite sure I won't be seeing my super non-fan. A place I'm glad to have found, along with all the others who were already there waiting. A place I didn't have to travel to find, but I did have to journey deep to be able to see it when I got there.

What do we do when we get there?

We keep showing up and doing the work. The healing, the learning, and growing. The celebrating and the grieving.  The chopping wood and carrying water. We do the things that light us up and share them with others. The light, the dark, and everything in between. I make my children watch Disney/Pixar's movie Soul with me whenever they are agreeable to it. In the end, the main character wonders aloud "I thought I would feel different" after he attained one of his life-long dreams. His colleague tells him a story of a young fish who swims up to an older fish and asks "Where is the ocean?" The older fish answers, "you're in the ocean right now". The younger fish replies "This?! This is just water. I wanna swim in the ocean!" So, maybe part of what we do when we get there is realize we've always been there, some of us just couldn't see that from our distorted views and beliefs.

Why do we choose to go, anyway?

Because we believe it will be better. Better than what is right now, wherever we are. Again, I can only speak for myself, but I believe my motivation to change and grow - to go there, is because I believe I will be a better person after having made this kind of sacred journey. As a mama, a co-parent, a partner, a friend,  a daughter, a sister, a community member..., there is no way a more healed version of myself doesn't benefit me and everyone in my life. As a better, stronger, wiser, more solid version of myself, I am more equipped to share who I am and what I am doing, right here, right now. And what I'm doing is no big deal to anyone but myself and the people who want to share in the experience and vision I bring...when I arrive.

David Essex says we Rock On...good 'nuf for me!

My Dark Night of the Soul Journey was necessary to reach where I am today. While I am still working through the residue of a lifetime of beliefs and behaviors that no longer serve me, I am so grateful to be the most authentic version of myself I have ever known. If you're curious, please join me at the beginning of this adventure of me. It has been a journey worth taking, for sure!

Leavin' On a Jet Plane

 

“We’re all dying, Shirley"! Ma exclaimed as I told her that Dad is nearing the end of his life. I agreed but explained the why’s and how’s of his expedited journey now.

I’m sure to some, including my Ma, I have a rather cavalier attitude surrounding death. I’d like to give you the 4-1-1 on my beliefs in detail, but suffice to say, I believe when it’s our time to go, it’s our time to go. I will dearly miss all of those I love who pass before me, including my dad. I am doing my best to honor their lives by living mine with honesty, integrity, and allowing my unique, authentic sparkle to guide me on this journey, as open to new experiences as I can be. I won’t always get it right, but I heard you can't get it wrong, cuz you can never get it done. I kinda love that idea.

I won’t pretend to tell you what a great kid I have been – I haven’t. I gave my parents a run for their money as their baby (13 years after their last baby), as their only girl, and as the most sensitive of humans. They didn’t know how to deal with me, and at 43, I’m just beginning to know myself. I was a handful, but not in the traditional ways one might think. I didn’t act out in school, but I hated going there. It was…too much. Too much noise, too much stress, too much anger, and condescension from a few adults dealing with their own lives within a less-than-perfect system. I didn't know how to navigate well as a highly sensitive person, so as a child, I made myself sick feeling badly for those “naughty kids” who kept getting yelled at every day. I could feel something was amiss with each one of them, and wanted to scream “THEY DON’T DESERVE TO BE YELLED AT"!!! But, I didn’t. I fretted and turned myself into an anxious knot, sick with worry about these kids who seemed to have no safe place to land. Some of whom, I found out later, came from homes where love, safety, and food were intermittent luxuries.

I didn’t know the details of any of their situations then, but I could feel it. I could feel their defeat and shame as their cries for help were drowned out by punishment and harsh tones and words. I couldn’t fix it. I couldn’t explain it. I couldn’t take it. I stayed home sick…a lot. I am so thankful that some folks who could help them, did. I just didn’t recognize it at the time.      

I reflect on those situations now, as I feel judgment from many of those outside of my sphere. In the eyes of many, I am now one of those “naughty kids”, whose behavior indicates deep pain within. In recent years, I allowed my elderly loved ones to fend for themselves in ways and situations in which I used to be heavily involved. And, until recently, I was no longer involved, at all. I couldn’t fix it. I couldn’t explain it. I couldn’t take it. As an adult, continuing my deep growth and transformation, I now call my behavior “setting boundaries”, but I understand that it can look and feel like abandonment.

So now, there’s nothing left to fix, explain or take. There is only finding a new way of life that allows everyone to live out their days with a little more peace and a little more joy. With the help of many, many Earth Angels, my brothers and I put together a plan to help our dad return to Montana, a place he called “home” for 14 years. A place where his heart and soul feel at ease.

Our Dad has flown ONE time in his life, and he hated it, so when he said he wanted to charter a plane to his old stomping grounds in Broadus, MT, my brother and I just looked at each other in dumbfounded confusion. After some flailing around with that idea, I made the calls, asked the questions, and got a flight set up from Eau Claire, WI, to Miles City, MT, just over an hour away from his final destination. The runway in Broadus, MT, was too short for the plane by 900 feet. Damn!

Oh, the journeys I went on with my family from Thanksgiving until our December 14 flight! Each day of preparation brought its own trek through emotional minefields I would have preferred to avoid, but the time had come for some explosions to clear the air. Like so many others, I have much to acknowledge, forgive, let go of, restore, and honor. My biggest fear was that one of those emotional minefields would render us unable to carry out this grand plan…together. Instead, this experience has brought us closer, a kinship I never knew due to such extreme age differences. Even through all of the difficult emotions, realizations, abandoned dreams, and heart-wrenching experiences I may face now or in the future, I have found a true sense of family, within my family. I would choose other words, but Ma’s “Praise the Lord!” seems to fit, just about right.

When I reflect on what has come to pass and what will in the future, I think of my children, their experience here, and the kind of parent I am. Lots of good, bad, and ugly come up for me to reflect on, but this thought rose to the top: I ask two things of my kids when it comes to school or outside expectations:

1. That you always do your best

2. That you allow yourself to have fun

As I learn and evolve, my "best" becomes better each time, but I will never be perfect. The best I can do at any moment is be authentically me, "imperfectly perfect," I hear a dear friend's voice saying in my mind. Throughout life and certainly, when faced with the challenges of recent years, I was not always graceful or kind, but I can say with complete honesty, I did my very best.  

And when it was time to leave on that jet plane, by-golly, we allowed ourselves to have some fun!

I know this song is by John Denver, but I LOVE Peter, Paul and Mary's version. I remember watching them with my parents on PBS when I was a kid. Their harmonies moved me just as much then as they do today. "...don't know when I'll be back again...leavin' on a jet plane..." Oh boy, the feels! This wasn't a romantic send-off, but I'm quite sure it was one of the most dramatic I'll know in my life. Here's to safe soul travels of all kinds!

My Dark Night of the Soul Journey was necessary to reach where I am today. While I am still working through the residue of a lifetime of beliefs and behaviors that no longer serve me, I am so grateful to be the most authentic version of myself I have ever known. If you're curious, please join me at the beginning of this adventure of me. It has been a journey worth taking, for sure!

If God Will Send His Angels

I am writing the beginning of this post days after I received the inspiration for what follows. As I write this opening paragraph, I feel so utterly alone, abandoned, misunderstood, unappreciated, unloved and frightened. Where my heart existed, a void now exists. I now know I was given the following memories to fill this void with something other than the darkness and despair I feel at this moment. For that, I am so very grateful.

As I think about what is to come in the not-too-distant-future, my mind goes back to my childhood, and the Gatlin Brothers song, All the Gold in California. My dad used to play this when I was a kid - it was "our song". I loved it because of the deep bass voice and acapella harmonies at the beginning and middle of the song, and because it lit my dad up! I don't know exactly why Dad loved it, but he would play it both when he was happy and when we needed a pick-me-up.

I remember one of those needed pick-me-up times distinctly, when I was five years old, the summer before I started Kindergarten. I had just gotten my MMR booster shot required before entering public school. Like many others, the booster shot made me quite ill. I don't know the severity relative to others in the same boat, but I was very ill...deathly ill.

I didn't know that at the time, and if you spoke to my family they would likely laugh and scoff at me for being so "dramatic" about getting sick after that shot. I was only five and had a terribly high fever, so my memory is not clear, but it is distinctly real.

I was in and out of consciousness as I lay on our ridiculously long couch in the dark living room, underneath the tapestry of da Vinci's "The Last Supper". Father Murphy, St. Mary's parish priest in Galesville, WI, was close with the previous owners of my parents' home in Trempealeau, so he knew their house had "just the wall" to fit such an immense piece, and that my mother could not say "no" to the offer. The left bottom corner of the tapestry became a little ragged and slightly darkened over the years, as I loved to run my hand over the soft corner I could reach while lying beneath it. There was no reaching for the velvet of the tapestry on that bright summer day, as I was too weak and too consumed by pain to move. Instead, I remember looking at Christ's open palm and taking comfort in his serene face, as compared to the angry lot of disciples around him at the table.

The only light came in from the attached dining room, and it was hard to believe outside it was a beautiful summer day. Inside, I fevered, I shook and whimpered and moaned. There was no place to be comfortable and at some point, I didn't just feel sick, I felt scared. Shortly after that tremendous fear took over me, I was out again. When I came to, my Aunt Doris was praying over me. I don't remember the exact prayers, but I imagine The Our Father, The Hail Mary, you know, traditional Catholic penance fare, and likely some of her own lovely words to the heavenly beings with which she had a close connection. Had I known about the Seven Sacraments at that age, I would have asked for my last rites...for real.

As Aunt Doris prayed over me, I felt so comforted. I felt wave after wave of unconditional love showering over me. Yes, some from my Auntie for sure, but the source of that unconditional love I received through her prayer was Angels. They were BIG, they were BRIGHT, and they surrounded us and filled my parents' living room. I can't tell you how many were there, as their brightness made their outlines fuzzy. I see four distinct angels in my mind's eye, and it felt like a lot more from my small child's perspective.

I don't know if any of my other family members were in the room as Aunt Doris and the Angels prayed over me, and I don't know how long after their visit my fever broke. I don't know if I was as close to death as I now imagine I was, but I do know I was protected and I was loved. I know the fear disappeared as soon as I felt the waves of unconditional love showering over me as the Angels watched and Aunt Doris prayed.

As of this writing, I've only told one other person about the angels 'round me and my Auntie that day, and it was only in recent months. I didn't really remember the event as a child, and certainly never spoke of it. Now that I have had several experiences as an awake, aware adult, I know the events of that day really happened. I have felt the Angels' presence in my life in this last year several times, the most profound experience happened early this summer, just as I had begun my "Dark Night of the Soul" journey. 

As my children played at Copeland Park in the splash pad with one of their friends, I sat at a picnic table just outside of the playground fray, completely immersed in my internal state of coming undone. I played a beautiful song an acquaintance had just sent to me because they could "feel" that I needed it. As I listened, a very thin girl, about my own daughter's age, came walking by with her caregiver. Although she could only look off in the distance to my left, she marched right over to me and asked, "Were you just listening to a song"? 

"Yes, would you like me to play it again for you"? I replied. She excitedly shook her head "YES"!! As the song played, she did her own little unique dance, completely lost in her own world. When it finished, her caregiver and I just looked at each other, the young girl looking off in the distance to my left. I didn't know what to do or say, so I asked "Do you want to hang out with me for a little while"?

"No," she cheerfully replied, and my heart kind of sank. Never looking at me, she then asked if she could give me a hug. 

"Sure," I replied, and I opened my arms. That frail little girl held me, this big, grown-up stranger, in the middle of Copeland Park. 

"Ok, bye!" she said as she released her embrace. Her caregiver gave me a big smile as the tears started to roll down my cheeks, and off they went. Through that little girl, I felt the unconditional love of the Angels, the same as when I was five years old. I allowed myself to come undone, "right there in front of God and Everybody", as Ma would say. My own daughter had seen the interaction from afar, and as soon as the girl had walked away, Stella was at my side asking what that little girl wanted.

Through heaving and sobbing, just as I am doing as I write this, I told my Stella girl, "That was an Angel, baby, sent to give Mama love when I needed it more than ever".

I'm making a map of my life, and the terrain ahead looks rough and I'm not sure how I will navigate all the mountains and valleys. I'm not sure how things will turn out, nor how long my fellow travelers will be with me on this journey. I do know I will never be alone. I will always be held in the arms of the Angels - both Earth-side and Etheric. I love and appreciate all the support that surrounds me and those I love. We're gonna need it!

Usually, one distinct song jumps out for each of my posts. This one has two! I hope you enjoy them as much as I have. After all, "It's the stuff of country songs..." ~U2, If God Will Send His Angels

My Dark Night of the Soul Journey was necessary to reach where I am today. While I am still working through the residue of a lifetime of beliefs and behaviors that no longer serve me, I am so grateful to be the most authentic version of myself I have ever known. If you're curious, please join me at the beginning of this adventure of me. It has been a journey worth taking, for sure!

Under Pressure

 

Almost the entire month of September was an uphill battle for me of moving…forward. I have A LOT of big stuff to do, and I do mean A LOT. Normally, working under pressure is when I do my best, most inspired work, but not in this current reality. In fact, the more pressure I felt, the more I folded in on myself. After the first week of September, I experienced my first bout of writer’s block, which triggered a fear within me similar to the fear during the birth of our first child. Although I’m beyond biological child-bearing years for this life, I have many, many more metaphorical babies to birth before I’m done on this rock.

When I was rushed into the OR for an emergency c-section delivery of our daughter, I had a fleeting thought that there is just no way she could be done before she even got a start in this life. Now, having just begun my work as a writer, I am not at all ready to face losing my newfound voice. I panicked at the loss of inspiration so close to having received it in the first place. Sometimes we need intervention to help bring something to life. In the hospital, I was surrounded by life-saving professionals who helped bring our baby into the world swiftly, with the care she needed to thrive. When it comes to my writing, I am the only one with the power to resuscitate my voice and allow it to thrive again. Oh the pressure!

It didn’t work to focus on my perceived problem, instead, I had to look at the circumstances around it. What was blocking me from inspiration? I found I was blocked by a long to-do list that I had avoided or procrastinated, and also by not allowing myself to adventure outside of my comfort zone – in all the ways. I checked off the simple tasks I could quickly complete and took myself on an artist’s date to a place I had never been, with no one else invited. I was not more than half an hour into my road trip and received inspiration for my next piece. My voice was not lost, just blocked by my own unhealthy behavioral patterns, which must change to become fully me anyway. Change...often so difficult for me, but brings such sweet relief!

In addition to writing, I am creating something I am super passionate about that I hope will reach far beyond myself and my little family. Unlike emergency surgery, I am required to stay lucid, awake and must fully participate in this birthing process. I feel scared. I don’t feel capable, which for a recovering perfectionist is a recipe for…giving up. Since the Universe is super smooth, it has put me in a place where giving up is not an option. Or maybe that's my soul - either one, it knows what I need. I am required to claim more of who I am, what I am capable of, as well as cultivate an understanding of self-worth that I have not yet fully embraced. And change - I must do things differently than I have in the past to be the person I truly am today.

I am again surrounded by professionals who are helping me bring my latest creation to life. I am so grateful for their help, inspiration, excitement, and willingness to allow me to lean on their expertise while I learn my way through this new adventure. Just feeling safe enough to ask stupid questions and say “I don’t know how to do this” has offered so much relief and freedom! And just like the beginning of my journey as a writer, I have had to lean hard on these kind souls to show me the way. Their support has meant the world to me, a gift I will not squander.

Their belief in me and this project has helped me believe in myself and the value this venture will bring to our place in this world. Even under all this pressure…

Thanks to my awesome co-parent, here’s a version of Under Pressure I hadn’t heard before, performed by two of the most other-worldly humans I can think of!

My Dark Night of the Soul Journey was necessary to reach where I am today. While I am still working through the residue of a lifetime of beliefs and behaviors that no longer serve me, I am so grateful to be the most authentic version of myself I have ever known. If you're curious, please join me at the beginning of this adventure of me. It has been a journey worth taking, for sure!

Well, I Never Been to Spain...

Ever wonder what life would be like if you had or hadn’t done that one thing? My class trip to Spain in 1995 is one of those experiences for me. In recent months, I wake up most days wondering “who am I going to be today”?! Although I’m sure there are other examples, like becoming a mother, my trip to Spain was the most profound experience of my own rebirth that I can recall. Unlike becoming a mother, the swift transformation I allowed myself during that trip was completely unexpected, at least consciously unexpected. Similar to the transformation of becoming someone’s Mama, it touched every aspect of my Being – no part of me was the same after. So far from home, with only acquaintance-type friends around me, I allowed the ties to my former self to be completely released. I became the person I always wanted to be and it was so much fun!!!

My former self, the one so diminished by fear, was dying to transform! I had no idea this early graduation gift would be the catalyst to becoming who I truly was at that time. My true self had been creeping up intermittently through acts of teenage rebellion in the months leading up to our big journey, but those two weeks touring that foreign land, from its high-desert plains down to the coast and into the sea, offered me the gift of a lifetime. It offered me myself.

I ripped open that shiny, sparkly gift of myself with such excitement and enthusiasm, I couldn’t help but play with the new toy inside immediately! I “played” by speaking to people with confidence and interest, making eye contact with everyone who passed by. I took in my foreign surroundings with such wonder – everything was amazing and beautiful and awe-inspiring. Even seemingly mundane things like the pattern of the bricks of the walking plazas gave me a sense of wonderment. Through spontaneous conversations with benevolent strangers, a few of my trip-mates and I learned to salsa dance at a beachside bar. Two of the benevolent strangers enjoying some Mediterranean beach time with their motley crew happened to be professional salsa dancers! 

An ugly duckling a few rounds in this lifetime, including my entire 16 years leading up to this trip, I avoided the opposite sex as much as possible, just as they avoided me. I took my coke-bottle glasses off whenever I could, and with this newfound confidence,  I delighted in beautiful grown men flirting with me, and me them! As you can imagine, my confidence grew exponentially. I spoke with people from all over the world, and each one seemed to meet me with as much interest as enthusiasm for me as I had for them. I literally had the time of my life!

My clumsy attempts to speak their native Spanish language were warmly welcomed. They helped me understand them and vice-versa. I never felt judged, only embraced and accepted in this friendly, beautiful place among so many beautiful people! Spain, especially its capital, Madrid, felt so familiar to me…I truly felt at home. I gladly volunteered to take the worst bunk with my roommates, I rose the earliest to be out of their bleary-eyed ways in the morning – nothing could dim my experience in this Spanish paradise. I ventured across an ocean as a teenage nobody, afraid of the world, and returned two weeks later with myself, full of confidence, enthusiasm, and a zest for life that didn’t exist within me before I left. Unbelievable!

And now here I am today, having just journeyed through the darkest parts of myself to experience yet another rebirth, and I can’t help but feel a tinge of sadness that this inward journey was so heavy compared to my rebirth in Spain. But what if I hadn’t? What if I had let all that fear and resistance keep me from this new understanding of who I truly am, how I best work, and what I want to put my time and energy into? What if I had never been to Spain?

The truth is my soul wouldn’t let me stay stuck. I came here with an unremembered agenda of experience and feeling I could only have during this lifetime - right here, right now. I have so much sparkle and fun ahead of me, it was time I released all that baggage keeping me from myself, keeping me from realizing my dreams. Spain showed me who I wanted to be, and my Dark Night of the Soul Journey 2021 showed me who I no longer was. And now I get to learn how to be who I am today, and it feels pretty damned good!

I saw Three Dog Night at the Historic Trempealeau Hotel the summer after I returned from Spain. I always liked this song, but after having been there, "Never Been to Spain" became an unexpected personal anthem. I love the sensual sound and feel, and of course, the memories this song throw me right back into are a gift...of a lifetime.

My Dark Night of the Soul Journey was necessary to reach where I am today. While I am still working through the residue of a lifetime of beliefs and behaviors that no longer serve me, I am so grateful to be the most authentic version of myself I have ever known. If you're curious, please join me at the beginning of this adventure of me. It has been a journey worth taking, for sure!

Three Little Frogs, A Spider & Me

A friend and I recently joked that I’ve started a frog farm down here at Round Lake. Yes, they are everywhere here in the marshland, but I have three special friends who have taken over the top corner of my office window – the one just above the small lamp on my desk, which I now leave on for them each night. They feast on the bugs drawn to the lamplight and I delight in watching them, almost creeped out by their presence, but not enough to extinguish the source of their movable feast. Yeah, it’s a little weird, but then again, so am I.

In the summer of 2018, I had a similar relationship with a spider who had spun her web near the light at the back door of my former home. This was back when I would do “two sleeps” each night. The first sleep was when I would pass out with our kiddos reading stories and saying our gratefuls in bed. I would wake around midnight for some alone time, which I had next to none of as a stay-at-home-mom. My first order of business was in the kitchen, where I flipped on the light for “The Grande Dame of the Back Door”. Yes, I even named her, frightful though she was.

She was extremely emotive compared to these three chill amphibians. The Grande Dame would rear up on her back legs, batting at the intrusion of light, her web vibrating from her frenzied movement. I would often speak to her, “You know I’m just trying to help, Mama. It’s gonna make your night so easy and you’ll have lots more time to just hang out and EAT”! 

Whether I spoke to her out loud, or just in my thoughts, she seemed to calm down, probably just having acclimated to the stadium lighting surrounding her home. I like to think maybe she understood me, mother-to-mother. Either way, she soon reveled in the gifts that light brought her way.

In the bugs flew, one after another, and she went to work straight away, spinning and rolling and all of her other gruesome activities. This nightly routine went on nearly the whole summer, and she even calmed a bit as time went on. I could tell she was still uncomfortable when the light flipped on, but she soon gave up the hissy fit and just sat on her web until her senses had adjusted. She was HUGE by the time August rolled around even though I took care to leave the light on only an hour or so each night.

And then one late-summer night, I flipped on the light and she was gone. The Grande Dame of the Back Door went missing! A wave of fright and then sadness for this gigantic spider nearly knocked me over. I was quite sure a bird or bat had the tastiest meal over the last 24 hours. I know, circle of life and all that, but this was a sentient being who I spoke to every night for months. No, she never replied, but we did share a connection. 

There was purpose to our late-night tête-à-tête’s if nothing more than to show me I was so lonely for connection…in a household of four humans and two cats, and many friends. To my relief, she did return about a week later, likely after hiding away to lay her eggs. But of course, that meant the end of her life was near and the next time she disappeared, it was for good. I said a proper goodbye to this strange being I shared my nights with that summer and wondered if the next spider I carried out in a glass jar was one of her babies?

I think I’ve always fared better with the animal kingdom than humans. I am too much for most humans, but no animal has ever turned its back on me. I am as sensitive as they come, and much of the time, this world is just too much for me. This was especially true as a child, without the tools and understanding of how I work, what I perceive, and how I can best keep myself from being pulled under by the energy around me. 

An empath to the extreme, with intermittent, undeveloped intuition. I know I’m not alone; many perceive things beyond our five senses. Some have visions, hear messages, just know, even smell a presence or speak with those who have passed over. I primarily feel…the truth. More often than not, I know what others are feeling, when someone is lying, needs a hug, wants me to speak for them, or is in physical pain – many of those things people try to hide from the outside world, and oftentimes, hide even from themselves. I see who people truly are and have a really rough time when their behavior and beliefs do not match their true being. Ironically, my spidey senses don't always work on me, and I am often the last to understand something about myself that is obvious to the rest of the world.

You could understand why a highly sensitive person feels safer around animals than humans. Animals have never lied to me, let me down, hurt me, or abandoned me, even when I have done those very same things to them. Their love is unconditional. I think the animals that have loved me, saved me. I’m quite sure I wouldn’t have made it through without their company and connection.

And now, the world has gotten snarly and is healing even though it may not look like it. Evolution in consciousness cannot be stopped, but it can get pretty ugly before we reach the next spiral up.

And so I am grateful to have found my refuge on Round Lake, surrounded by the beauty and the sounds of all things good and real, including those three little frogs… "pitched by my doorstep. Singin’ sweet songs of melodies pure and true. Sayin, this is my message to you-whoo-oo. Singin’ don’t worry about a thing, 'cause every little thing's gonna be alright". 

And so it is...alright. Thank you Bob Marley, The Three Little Frogs, The Grande Dame of the Back Door, and all my animal guides sent to help me through this life - my Earth Angels in some of the strangest costumes!

My Dark Night of the Soul Journey was necessary to reach where I am today. While I am still working through the residue of a lifetime of beliefs and behaviors that no longer serve me, I am so grateful to be the most authentic version of myself I have ever known. If you're curious, please join me at the beginning of this adventure of me. It has been a journey worth taking, for sure!