Under Pressure

 

Almost the entire month of September was an uphill battle for me of moving…forward. I have A LOT of big stuff to do, and I do mean A LOT. Normally, working under pressure is when I do my best, most inspired work, but not in this current reality. In fact, the more pressure I felt, the more I folded in on myself. After the first week of September, I experienced my first bout of writer’s block, which triggered a fear within me similar to the fear during the birth of our first child. Although I’m beyond biological child-bearing years for this life, I have many, many more metaphorical babies to birth before I’m done on this rock.

When I was rushed into the OR for an emergency c-section delivery of our daughter, I had a fleeting thought that there is just no way she could be done before she even got a start in this life. Now, having just begun my work as a writer, I am not at all ready to face losing my newfound voice. I panicked at the loss of inspiration so close to having received it in the first place. Sometimes we need intervention to help bring something to life. In the hospital, I was surrounded by life-saving professionals who helped bring our baby into the world swiftly, with the care she needed to thrive. When it comes to my writing, I am the only one with the power to resuscitate my voice and allow it to thrive again. Oh the pressure!

It didn’t work to focus on my perceived problem, instead, I had to look at the circumstances around it. What was blocking me from inspiration? I found I was blocked by a long to-do list that I had avoided or procrastinated, and also by not allowing myself to adventure outside of my comfort zone – in all the ways. I checked off the simple tasks I could quickly complete and took myself on an artist’s date to a place I had never been, with no one else invited. I was not more than half an hour into my road trip and received inspiration for my next piece. My voice was not lost, just blocked by my own unhealthy behavioral patterns, which must change to become fully me anyway. Change...often so difficult for me, but brings such sweet relief!

In addition to writing, I am creating something I am super passionate about that I hope will reach far beyond myself and my little family. Unlike emergency surgery, I am required to stay lucid, awake and must fully participate in this birthing process. I feel scared. I don’t feel capable, which for a recovering perfectionist is a recipe for…giving up. Since the Universe is super smooth, it has put me in a place where giving up is not an option. Or maybe that's my soul - either one, it knows what I need. I am required to claim more of who I am, what I am capable of, as well as cultivate an understanding of self-worth that I have not yet fully embraced. And change - I must do things differently than I have in the past to be the person I truly am today.

I am again surrounded by professionals who are helping me bring my latest creation to life. I am so grateful for their help, inspiration, excitement, and willingness to allow me to lean on their expertise while I learn my way through this new adventure. Just feeling safe enough to ask stupid questions and say “I don’t know how to do this” has offered so much relief and freedom! And just like the beginning of my journey as a writer, I have had to lean hard on these kind souls to show me the way. Their support has meant the world to me, a gift I will not squander.

Their belief in me and this project has helped me believe in myself and the value this venture will bring to our place in this world. Even under all this pressure…

Thanks to my awesome co-parent, here’s a version of Under Pressure I hadn’t heard before, performed by two of the most other-worldly humans I can think of!

My Dark Night of the Soul Journey was necessary to reach where I am today. While I am still working through the residue of a lifetime of beliefs and behaviors that no longer serve me, I am so grateful to be the most authentic version of myself I have ever known. If you're curious, please join me at the beginning of this adventure of me. It has been a journey worth taking, for sure!