Baby, What You Want from Me?

"I try to pretend I'm the strongest. 

That one friend you have that can endure pain the longest. 

I try to bury my feelings so far you can't see them 

and try to put meaning to all the bad things I'm thinking.

And one by one they come to the edge

and everyone slips and falls in the trench. 

But I warned you to stay away, they said I'm damaged in every way..."

Except I didn't warn anyone...I told everyone! There's a difference between a warning label and an explanation of benefits. Maybe I should come with both...hehe.  And, I didn't tell anyone to stay away, either. I invited those I thought were of like mind in with my genuine warmth, energy, and vision of co-creating something really special in the world, part of a new existence that I feel we are all moving toward collectively. I ignored all sorts of signs that not everyone is ready or even wants to be a part of something so different from what we are used to, or maybe just not in the way that I want them to be. I know better now, but it took some hard knocks to understand. I had to learn a few things about myself, pieces I left abandoned in the shadows before I could see the forest through the trees.

In 2018, I went through a radical transformation - mind, body, and soul. With the help of many different resources, including Julia Cameron's, The Artist's Way, and Connie Kaplan's, The Invisible Garment, I discovered parts of myself I didn't know existed and read about the way I "be" in the world within the pages of those books.

In my blog post from August of 2021, The Artist's Way...My Way!, I describe the life-changing experiences I had working through that book. The Invisible Garment is a body of work delivered to the author from the divine, from Angels. I've had a few real-life angelic visits myself, so Kaplan's work piqued my interest for sure. Kaplan received an explanation of 30 life principles, our primary reasons for incarnating in this life, and was instructed to share them with the world. Using my natal birth chart, I found which principle matches with aspects of my chart. My primary life principle is Resistance, but it doesn't mean what you think.

In this context, Kaplan defines resistance as a resistor in an electrical circuit, which changes the flow of energy within the circuit. I change the flow of energy everywhere I go. I am the thing that one comes in contact with that allows one's authentic self to be seen, to be heard. The good, the bad, the ugly - whatever is meant to come up within our experience together. I am dying to be truly seen and heard, so it never occurred to me that others may not feel the same way. I am a big-ideas and future-focused vision person, looking for other dreamers who share in my kind of vision for the future, one filled with more light, love, respect, cooperation, and willingness to give of ourselves for the greater good. So far, the ones most resistant to the energy shifts I unintentionally create are filled with fear...of change. I've upset more than a few apple carts so far on this journey...oops!

I read Kaplan's four-page explanation of "Resistance" and I wept with relief. I have walked through my entire life feeling as though I was unloveable, unwanted, and a problem for everyone close to me. While I no longer believe I'm unloveable, I kinda am a problem for those close to me. I am definitely viewed as the problem for people not ready or unwilling to change and evolve, which is not entirely untrue. It just isn't the whole truth.

I can't know in every instance, but I've been shown enough to know that once I go away, the "problem" still remains. We can blame the messenger, but we can't unhear the message without numbing ourselves into oblivion. Believe me, I've tried. I am not the only "resistor" out there in the world, and I have run into a few mirrors of my own. I am not the problem, I am the one flowing the energy available to make those life changes. Just like our gifts of music, art, and words, my gift flows through me, regardless of one's readiness to receive it.

Even when I read this definition of myself, my primary reason for existing in this lifetime, I didn't recognize it as a gift. It was a thing, for sure, but certainly more of a curse than anything. It has led to a lonely existence at times, as people who are not a match for what I bring (and vice versa), fall away, and many run screaming. The ones who feel they must stick around are super uncomfortable around me, and I, them, if they want to stand still, or I want to push. I am sure many of those people feel tremendous relief outside of my presence after such an experience, but I've yet to meet one who doesn't want to either feed off of my energy or diminish me so they feel better. I have tried to diminish myself and behave more like how others want me to, but I just can't shut off the way I be in the world. I know better now. Before this understanding of myself, there was no good explanation beyond discomfort to describe what was actually happening. Until now that is...you've been warned. 😂

In fairness, being fully seen, especially in our darkness, is mostly an unwanted experience. I know when this happens to me, it is at the very least uncomfortable, if not downright painful. Sometimes I will deny what I'm being shown, but it's like trying to un-ring a bell. Once I see it (and that can take a while, at least for me), I am compelled to remain awake and aware, to take those rose-colored glasses off, and to truly see. Until that pea is removed from under my mattress, I cannot know the sleep of the just. I cannot show up fully in the world. I can no longer be me. If I know some truth about myself that I deny, I am just a fraud...and human. I now allow some grace between the initial awareness of a thing I can't quite square with, and the action to change said thing. That work is not instantaneous, but a willingness to go there is absolutely required.

"Dad, I just have to experience things myself!" I remember saying to my father in exasperation as a teenager about what felt like his unrelenting need to control. 

"You can't live long enough to make all the mistakes, I'm just trying to help," he replied. 

And so he was, at least in part, and I still needed to experience things for myself to truly understand. My dad and I were often at odds, but his heart was in the right place a lot of the time. I couldn't accept his gifts back then, but now I understand what he was trying to do. We enjoyed more than a few laughs together as I grew up...and I have had to eat a lot of crow. It's becoming a delicacy in my life.

So, here I am, with a much fuller understanding of how and why I walk through this world at this time. I know just enough or maybe have experienced just enough, to truly trust in the Universe...most of the time. I have been given so much in my life, especially in recent years. Since learning that operating as a "resistor" is my gift, I now know I am meant to give my gift freely, without expectation or control over what anyone chooses to do with my gift. Like with my dad, I can acknowledge the times I have been unable to accept someone's gift in the moment, and have appreciated the compassion and autonomy I required to grow in my own ways and in my own time. I am learning the true meaning of non-attachment, non-judgment, and flow. It is not easy for this recovering control freak, but it is work I am committed to after having been shown...the way.

"At times I look into the mirror,
And wonder what they see and why they couldn't see me clearer.
I try to hide in the shadows
To protect my ego
From all the dangerous people
Who threw my smile out the window."

Yes, some may "throw my smile out the window", but I now know my smile is my gift. My gift is not for everyone at the time I give it, and maybe they will never be able to accept it, but that doesn't mean I stop giving it. I couldn't even if I tried. I just cherish the time with those who can accept my gift, cuz sometimes I get to witness pure magic and I am so happy to have been a part of it!

I have lifetimes of anecdotal evidence that allows me to believe, to know, that the Universe truly has my back. And I'll have yours...when you're ready.

"Now I'm just sitting at the cafè deluxe
And saying "Baby, what you want from me?
You're the only one I know would ever talk to me.
And I know I shouldn't be talking to a coffee cup,
But you're the only one who lets me open up".

~Osei The Seventh

My Dark Night of the Soul Journey was necessary to reach where I am today. While I am still working through the residue of a lifetime of beliefs and behaviors that no longer serve me, I am so grateful to be the most authentic version of myself I have ever known. If you're curious, please join me at the beginning of this adventure of me. It has been a journey worth taking, for sure!

Where Do We Go from Here?

 

Oh boy, so much has gone down since I was last inspired to write. Thinking back to over a year ago when I began this work, I realized that I started my blogging experience with a daily entry, spurred and supported by a dear friend and avid writer and creative, Lisa K. Adams.  Instead of looking forward, I am looking back for a way through my current life circumstances.

So, which is the way that's clear?

Since descending into my Dark Night of the Soul Journey one year ago, I have done so much internal work! Although in many present-day moments I often think "Wow, how can I still be this f'd up after all this healing work?!" And then I turn and look down the latest mountain I have summited and I feel like a rock star! I used to go looking for problems to heal, which took me down a dark, tormented, seemingly endless path to nowhere good.

Now, I allow myself to work with the next thing that comes into my awareness. I don't know about you, but there seems to be a quickening, individually and as a collective on this planet. All the things we attempted to sweep under the rug have been built to mass proportion and need to be healed and released. I have given up on global concerns, which used to be of utmost importance to me. Speaking for myself only, I have determined that by healing myself, I am healing my children and my lineage, bringing more authenticity and light into the world by releasing my own darkness. 

Who goes with us, wherever it is we are going?

Quite simply, those who are ready. I have made some drastic changes in my life in recent years. Some people have embraced and supported me, while others have not. Some, who I thought would walk with me through my entire life, are no longer even acquaintances. Some have taken my hand and have shown me the way through my own darkness, just as I have done for others. I have received so many gifts in the form of new connections, and strengthened old ones,  with beautiful humans who have taken the time to support me in one way or another, and I hope I have done the same for them.

It was always important for me to feel liked and appreciated, even if that meant behaving in ways that pleased others while undermining myself. I have learned being liked is no longer a concern as long as I am genuinely myself. Only those who value me will be a part of my life and I can wish all the others well on their own journeys. I learned this in such a stark and startling way about a year ago. Within the span of one minute, I encountered a beautiful soul who told me how much they loved me and what I'm putting out in the world, followed by another expressing "I HATE that woman!!" after they thought I had left the restroom. My thoughts were tormented for days after, trying to reconcile why and how I could have earned someone's hatred, especially someone I have almost no interaction with at all?! 

One of Don Miguel Ruiz's agreements in his book, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, states "Don't take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a result of their own dream or perception of their rules. We all make rules about how things should be, but when you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering". 

Well, ain't that the truth?! With no way to redress whatever I had done to earn this person's hatred, I had to choose to not take that statement personally, or let it eat me alive. It took a hot minute, but I got there...a place I'm quite sure I won't be seeing my super non-fan. A place I'm glad to have found, along with all the others who were already there waiting. A place I didn't have to travel to find, but I did have to journey deep to be able to see it when I got there.

What do we do when we get there?

We keep showing up and doing the work. The healing, the learning, and growing. The celebrating and the grieving.  The chopping wood and carrying water. We do the things that light us up and share them with others. The light, the dark, and everything in between. I make my children watch Disney/Pixar's movie Soul with me whenever they are agreeable to it. In the end, the main character wonders aloud "I thought I would feel different" after he attained one of his life-long dreams. His colleague tells him a story of a young fish who swims up to an older fish and asks "Where is the ocean?" The older fish answers, "you're in the ocean right now". The younger fish replies "This?! This is just water. I wanna swim in the ocean!" So, maybe part of what we do when we get there is realize we've always been there, some of us just couldn't see that from our distorted views and beliefs.

Why do we choose to go, anyway?

Because we believe it will be better. Better than what is right now, wherever we are. Again, I can only speak for myself, but I believe my motivation to change and grow - to go there, is because I believe I will be a better person after having made this kind of sacred journey. As a mama, a co-parent, a partner, a friend,  a daughter, a sister, a community member..., there is no way a more healed version of myself doesn't benefit me and everyone in my life. As a better, stronger, wiser, more solid version of myself, I am more equipped to share who I am and what I am doing, right here, right now. And what I'm doing is no big deal to anyone but myself and the people who want to share in the experience and vision I bring...when I arrive.

David Essex says we Rock On...good 'nuf for me!

My Dark Night of the Soul Journey was necessary to reach where I am today. While I am still working through the residue of a lifetime of beliefs and behaviors that no longer serve me, I am so grateful to be the most authentic version of myself I have ever known. If you're curious, please join me at the beginning of this adventure of me. It has been a journey worth taking, for sure!

Leavin' On a Jet Plane

 

“We’re all dying, Shirley"! Ma exclaimed as I told her that Dad is nearing the end of his life. I agreed but explained the why’s and how’s of his expedited journey now.

I’m sure to some, including my Ma, I have a rather cavalier attitude surrounding death. I’d like to give you the 4-1-1 on my beliefs in detail, but suffice to say, I believe when it’s our time to go, it’s our time to go. I will dearly miss all of those I love who pass before me, including my dad. I am doing my best to honor their lives by living mine with honesty, integrity, and allowing my unique, authentic sparkle to guide me on this journey, as open to new experiences as I can be. I won’t always get it right, but I heard you can't get it wrong, cuz you can never get it done. I kinda love that idea.

I won’t pretend to tell you what a great kid I have been – I haven’t. I gave my parents a run for their money as their baby (13 years after their last baby), as their only girl, and as the most sensitive of humans. They didn’t know how to deal with me, and at 43, I’m just beginning to know myself. I was a handful, but not in the traditional ways one might think. I didn’t act out in school, but I hated going there. It was…too much. Too much noise, too much stress, too much anger, and condescension from a few adults dealing with their own lives within a less-than-perfect system. I didn't know how to navigate well as a highly sensitive person, so as a child, I made myself sick feeling badly for those “naughty kids” who kept getting yelled at every day. I could feel something was amiss with each one of them, and wanted to scream “THEY DON’T DESERVE TO BE YELLED AT"!!! But, I didn’t. I fretted and turned myself into an anxious knot, sick with worry about these kids who seemed to have no safe place to land. Some of whom, I found out later, came from homes where love, safety, and food were intermittent luxuries.

I didn’t know the details of any of their situations then, but I could feel it. I could feel their defeat and shame as their cries for help were drowned out by punishment and harsh tones and words. I couldn’t fix it. I couldn’t explain it. I couldn’t take it. I stayed home sick…a lot. I am so thankful that some folks who could help them, did. I just didn’t recognize it at the time.      

I reflect on those situations now, as I feel judgment from many of those outside of my sphere. In the eyes of many, I am now one of those “naughty kids”, whose behavior indicates deep pain within. In recent years, I allowed my elderly loved ones to fend for themselves in ways and situations in which I used to be heavily involved. And, until recently, I was no longer involved, at all. I couldn’t fix it. I couldn’t explain it. I couldn’t take it. As an adult, continuing my deep growth and transformation, I now call my behavior “setting boundaries”, but I understand that it can look and feel like abandonment.

So now, there’s nothing left to fix, explain or take. There is only finding a new way of life that allows everyone to live out their days with a little more peace and a little more joy. With the help of many, many Earth Angels, my brothers and I put together a plan to help our dad return to Montana, a place he called “home” for 14 years. A place where his heart and soul feel at ease.

Our Dad has flown ONE time in his life, and he hated it, so when he said he wanted to charter a plane to his old stomping grounds in Broadus, MT, my brother and I just looked at each other in dumbfounded confusion. After some flailing around with that idea, I made the calls, asked the questions, and got a flight set up from Eau Claire, WI, to Miles City, MT, just over an hour away from his final destination. The runway in Broadus, MT, was too short for the plane by 900 feet. Damn!

Oh, the journeys I went on with my family from Thanksgiving until our December 14 flight! Each day of preparation brought its own trek through emotional minefields I would have preferred to avoid, but the time had come for some explosions to clear the air. Like so many others, I have much to acknowledge, forgive, let go of, restore, and honor. My biggest fear was that one of those emotional minefields would render us unable to carry out this grand plan…together. Instead, this experience has brought us closer, a kinship I never knew due to such extreme age differences. Even through all of the difficult emotions, realizations, abandoned dreams, and heart-wrenching experiences I may face now or in the future, I have found a true sense of family, within my family. I would choose other words, but Ma’s “Praise the Lord!” seems to fit, just about right.

When I reflect on what has come to pass and what will in the future, I think of my children, their experience here, and the kind of parent I am. Lots of good, bad, and ugly come up for me to reflect on, but this thought rose to the top: I ask two things of my kids when it comes to school or outside expectations:

1. That you always do your best

2. That you allow yourself to have fun

As I learn and evolve, my "best" becomes better each time, but I will never be perfect. The best I can do at any moment is be authentically me, "imperfectly perfect," I hear a dear friend's voice saying in my mind. Throughout life and certainly, when faced with the challenges of recent years, I was not always graceful or kind, but I can say with complete honesty, I did my very best.  

And when it was time to leave on that jet plane, by-golly, we allowed ourselves to have some fun!

I know this song is by John Denver, but I LOVE Peter, Paul and Mary's version. I remember watching them with my parents on PBS when I was a kid. Their harmonies moved me just as much then as they do today. "...don't know when I'll be back again...leavin' on a jet plane..." Oh boy, the feels! This wasn't a romantic send-off, but I'm quite sure it was one of the most dramatic I'll know in my life. Here's to safe soul travels of all kinds!

My Dark Night of the Soul Journey was necessary to reach where I am today. While I am still working through the residue of a lifetime of beliefs and behaviors that no longer serve me, I am so grateful to be the most authentic version of myself I have ever known. If you're curious, please join me at the beginning of this adventure of me. It has been a journey worth taking, for sure!