Where Do We Go from Here?

 

Oh boy, so much has gone down since I was last inspired to write. Thinking back to over a year ago when I began this work, I realized that I started my blogging experience with a daily entry, spurred and supported by a dear friend and avid writer and creative, Lisa K. Adams.  Instead of looking forward, I am looking back for a way through my current life circumstances.

So, which is the way that's clear?

Since descending into my Dark Night of the Soul Journey one year ago, I have done so much internal work! Although in many present-day moments I often think "Wow, how can I still be this f'd up after all this healing work?!" And then I turn and look down the latest mountain I have summited and I feel like a rock star! I used to go looking for problems to heal, which took me down a dark, tormented, seemingly endless path to nowhere good.

Now, I allow myself to work with the next thing that comes into my awareness. I don't know about you, but there seems to be a quickening, individually and as a collective on this planet. All the things we attempted to sweep under the rug have been built to mass proportion and need to be healed and released. I have given up on global concerns, which used to be of utmost importance to me. Speaking for myself only, I have determined that by healing myself, I am healing my children and my lineage, bringing more authenticity and light into the world by releasing my own darkness. 

Who goes with us, wherever it is we are going?

Quite simply, those who are ready. I have made some drastic changes in my life in recent years. Some people have embraced and supported me, while others have not. Some, who I thought would walk with me through my entire life, are no longer even acquaintances. Some have taken my hand and have shown me the way through my own darkness, just as I have done for others. I have received so many gifts in the form of new connections, and strengthened old ones,  with beautiful humans who have taken the time to support me in one way or another, and I hope I have done the same for them.

It was always important for me to feel liked and appreciated, even if that meant behaving in ways that pleased others while undermining myself. I have learned being liked is no longer a concern as long as I am genuinely myself. Only those who value me will be a part of my life and I can wish all the others well on their own journeys. I learned this in such a stark and startling way about a year ago. Within the span of one minute, I encountered a beautiful soul who told me how much they loved me and what I'm putting out in the world, followed by another expressing "I HATE that woman!!" after they thought I had left the restroom. My thoughts were tormented for days after, trying to reconcile why and how I could have earned someone's hatred, especially someone I have almost no interaction with at all?! 

One of Don Miguel Ruiz's agreements in his book, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, states "Don't take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a result of their own dream or perception of their rules. We all make rules about how things should be, but when you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering". 

Well, ain't that the truth?! With no way to redress whatever I had done to earn this person's hatred, I had to choose to not take that statement personally, or let it eat me alive. It took a hot minute, but I got there...a place I'm quite sure I won't be seeing my super non-fan. A place I'm glad to have found, along with all the others who were already there waiting. A place I didn't have to travel to find, but I did have to journey deep to be able to see it when I got there.

What do we do when we get there?

We keep showing up and doing the work. The healing, the learning, and growing. The celebrating and the grieving.  The chopping wood and carrying water. We do the things that light us up and share them with others. The light, the dark, and everything in between. I make my children watch Disney/Pixar's movie Soul with me whenever they are agreeable to it. In the end, the main character wonders aloud "I thought I would feel different" after he attained one of his life-long dreams. His colleague tells him a story of a young fish who swims up to an older fish and asks "Where is the ocean?" The older fish answers, "you're in the ocean right now". The younger fish replies "This?! This is just water. I wanna swim in the ocean!" So, maybe part of what we do when we get there is realize we've always been there, some of us just couldn't see that from our distorted views and beliefs.

Why do we choose to go, anyway?

Because we believe it will be better. Better than what is right now, wherever we are. Again, I can only speak for myself, but I believe my motivation to change and grow - to go there, is because I believe I will be a better person after having made this kind of sacred journey. As a mama, a co-parent, a partner, a friend,  a daughter, a sister, a community member..., there is no way a more healed version of myself doesn't benefit me and everyone in my life. As a better, stronger, wiser, more solid version of myself, I am more equipped to share who I am and what I am doing, right here, right now. And what I'm doing is no big deal to anyone but myself and the people who want to share in the experience and vision I bring...when I arrive.

David Essex says we Rock On...good 'nuf for me!

My Dark Night of the Soul Journey was necessary to reach where I am today. While I am still working through the residue of a lifetime of beliefs and behaviors that no longer serve me, I am so grateful to be the most authentic version of myself I have ever known. If you're curious, please join me at the beginning of this adventure of me. It has been a journey worth taking, for sure!

Down by the Lakes...Into My Soul

Through serendipity, guide-directed daydreaming, divine intervention, generous angels, and a little moxie, I now call a spot on Round Lake in Trempealeau, WI, my home.

As a small child, I heard this place referred to as “Birch Acres”. It was part of a resort with several cabins, all remaining structures are now owned individually. By the time I was speaking about this is area myself, we just said, “down by the lakes”.

“Let’s go for a bike ride down by the lakes!" 

"Remember that night we almost drove into one of the lakes?!" 

"Hey - meet me down by the lakes!”

Unlike many of my other friends who grew up here, I went fishing “in the bottoms,” as Ma calls it, only a handful of times during my childhood. Just passing through on bike or by car, I did not explore or immerse myself in the Lakes District of Trempealeau much at all. “Down by the Lakes” seemed almost a foreign country to me, too wild to dream of actually living in. This is where all that daydreaming and divine intervention come into play.

You see, I absolutely love it down here. The people who actually live down here are of a different sort as well, and I love that too! Upon moving in, several of these generous souls shared their version of what life is like down here. They shared things I need to watch out for, waterway resources, animal sightings, among many other useful tidbits. I also love learning what titles local people with a little history use for different places around this area. Lone-Tree, a landing on The Big Marsh down here in the bottoms, or School Bus Point out by Marshland, WI. Oh, a historical-alternative cartographer's dream come true!

I feel a kinship with this land and waters, unlike anything I have ever experienced. I am learning my affinity to this place is likely connected to my family history, and I have much to excavate there - an endeavor connected to such wild tales…well, most will not believe them! That’s for another day, but I will share that I found that my great-great-grandfather, Antoine Grignon, had a camp not far from this area I now call home, where the Black River empties into the Mississippi. Grignon is very connected to those wild tales I hope to write about someday. 

I asked some of my new neighbors and friends about where exactly the Black River empties into the Mississippi, which is not as cut-and-dried as one might think! They got out old maps, which I used along with Wisconsin State Historical Society resources, and a hand-drawn map my father and I created, to pinpoint Antoine Grignon’s camp. My great-great-grandfather had a camp down-river from me, just another “Lone-Tree Length” from my house - amazing!

I know I was delivered to this place I now call home at just the right time in my life, to do that excavation through the means necessary for me to make sense of it all…through feeling, of course! What better way to unearth aspects of my roots I can only connect with through clairsentience, than placing me where my ancestors actually once walked?! So very blessed, am I!

Oh, the places we will go...all right here, Down by the Lakes and Into My Soul!

My Dark Night of the Soul Journey was necessary to reach where I am today. While I am still working through the residue of a lifetime of beliefs and behaviors that no longer serve me, I am so grateful to be the most authentic version of myself I have ever known. If you're curious, please join me at the beginning of this adventure of me. It has been a journey worth taking, for sure!