One year ago today, I received an amazing gift - I was nearly scared…to death! Until 2025, nothing actually scared me. Unlike “normal” people, I didn't have a healthy sense of fear about anything, and damn, I liked it that way! While others were wringing their hands in worry, fretting about what might happen, I had already jumped into my next “adventure”.
I had no idea why I didn’t have fear, and I really didn’t care. I didn’t consider it a problem, as I didn’t suffer any horrible consequences in the moment. In fact, I would often say, “I had the time of my life!” I definitely have some wild stories in my “I Should Be Dead” archives.
I don’t know
the statistics, but I would say that’s par for the course for those of us who
came up in traumatic circumstances. We are desensitized to things that would frighten
or even terrify those who were not exposed to similar horrors. When you’re surrounded by
monsters, well then, nothing looks like a monster, now does it?
I began my
personal healing journey in earnest in 2019, as so much was stirred up and
happening in my life, and my once capable being simply couldn’t handle any
more. Of course, I didn’t know that, so I allowed even more to be piled onto me,
most often seeking out more myself! That’s another part of being a trauma
survivor - until we have healed, we will create and stir up our own versions of
drama, just to feel at ease. Peace is uncomfortable for those of us who only
know chaos. That is, until something shakes us awake enough to know there are
other ways to live and be in the world.
In 2019, I began
the work. The work of knowing myself wholly and completely. Acknowledging
and accepting even the most wretched pieces of myself, my shadow. The pieces I
abandoned due to trauma as a child. The pieces I believed weren’t worth anything
because other people showed me they weren’t. The pieces I didn’t even know I
was missing! Of course, I didn’t know that’s what I was doing. I was just “seeing
a counselor” because I didn’t want to feel so awful anymore.
Reintegrating
fragmented pieces of ourselves is no small matter, and it does not happen
overnight, no matter how determined we are to heal and know ourselves, to seek our
own truth. And so, layer by layer, piece by piece, I began putting the puzzle
of me together. It is a tedious process most days, and I would like to skip the
dodgy middle part and just get to the end already. If anyone has figured out
how to do that, please let me know. It does get easier and faster once we have
faced the fear of knowing ourselves, of knowing the truth.
Yes, in
2025, I unearthed a huge personal truth, but I had to be shaken first, or in my
case, nearly scared to death! I had been losing large amounts of blood for
several months from what I found women consider a “normal” part of perimenopause.
I was physically weakened and experiencing episodes similar to low blood
sugar, but not exactly. I was in complete denial of how compromised my body had
become, and I didn’t feel I had enough time to care for myself. I had to just keep
trying to run a business, be a mom, a friend, a co-parent, a community member,
and on this particular day, I was trying to keep a dream alive that I had been
hoping I’d finally have time for, right after… [insert next catastrophe].
As I drove
north for my coffee order and radio shift doing the “Linnertime Takeover” on
Happy Production Studios’ streaming radio station, I started to feel weak, and
maybe like I could pass out. I thought I’d better eat something, and a burger
was one of the items I should be eating more of, so I hit a drive-through, parked
in the lot of a nearby strip mall, and gobbled down my meal as though it would save
my life. I rested a moment after I ate and took some deep breaths, gathering myself for the last hour of my drive.
I “woke up” almost
an hour later, car running, my heart racing, my palms and body clammy, as I
looked around and had no idea where I was or why I was there! I
was scared…for real!! As my memory started to filter back into my mind, this
familiar feeling was exactly how I felt after passing out or after being under
anesthesia. Since I wasn’t in an OR, I quickly realized I had lost consciousness
for nearly an hour, and I was going to be late for my radio shift!!
I made it to
the studio just in time, but it was a rough shift. I wasn’t “all there”. I forgot
to turn on a microphone for an entire conversation, and I just felt awful in all
the ways, and this foreign fear cast over the whole ordeal. I wanted to cry,
and I totally did most of the way home. On top of barely being able to make it
through a day, now this super fun thing I took great joy in doing, a pathway to
a dream, well, I couldn’t have that either.
But I can,
we all can, if we choose it for ourselves. I will continue sharing my healing journey
because it is important, now more than ever. I don’t know how much you’ve
noticed what’s happening in the world, but it is time to change. Each and every
one of us can choose to take responsibility for our own healing, so the world
that is collapsing today is not the one we recreate for tomorrow. And as much
as we want to point to something outside of ourselves that “did this TO us”, we
must turn our focus to ourselves. How do we become our authentic selves, unable
to be victimized by the darkness in this world?
Each of our
stories will be different, and our ways into the light will be just as varied,
but the oneness of all things is real. Whether we believe it or not, we are all
connected. We can see this truth coming to light on a global stage. How we
allow the least of us to be treated is how we treat the whole, whether we
intend to or not.
It is time, my friends and my enemies, this suffering need not continue, but we must each choose to know ourselves to walk in the light. Pick up your rosaries, your mala beads, your stones, your spells, your cards, your gifts. Invite the Ancestors, Jesus, Buddha, the Angels, the Elements, whoever speaks to you from the light, and ask for their guidance. When we come home to ourselves, we cannot be manipulated by the darkness any longer. Each of us has great power, and with great power comes great responsibility. Use it for the light within you, and watch how that light helps grow the light within us all!
I'm so glad I scrolled down a few more options for this gem!! This is right up there with The Boss singin' Santa Claus is Comin' to Town! See how his light helps ours shine too?! Now, go do that for yourself!!
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