Maybe It'll All Be Alright, Ma

Resentment...

Oh, this one runs deep. Real, real deep. So deep, in fact, it is compromising my body's ability to process the regular, everyday physical stuff. This emotional hoarding, along with some poor lifestyle choices, and my spiritual journey via a high-speed train for several years, has got my system in overload...and I am struggling to be who I came here to be, and do what I came here to do.

I want to tell you all my tales of woe starring my core soul wounds: abandonment, rejection, betrayal, humiliation, and injustice, but at this point, those stories don't even matter. My young kiddos often want to find who is at "fault" for any given unsavory circumstance. I speak to them now about responsibility instead of fault, giving myself a lesson too. All those things, those core wounds, really happened to me, beginning in childhood, and those experiences shaped who I have become...or not become. No, none of that was my fault, but it is entirely my responsibility to heal those wounds as I become aware of them. If I choose to remain unaware or unwilling to do this healing, those wounds will continue to be ripped open through present-day circumstances, reaffirming a sense of victimization. I am no one's fucking victim.

Look What They've Done to My Song, Ma...

No matter who I'd like to blame (and then shame, and then force into indentured servitude under my unyielding control), it is my responsibility to heal these core soul wounds and not behave from the same darkness my aggressors have. It is for me to come to terms with the fact that I don't really know who I am. I only know myself through the lens of these injuries and the coping mechanisms I developed to stumble through life, attempting to never feel those things again. I have only known myself through others and their needs, so I could feel safe...and resent every bit of it! It is my responsibility to get to know myself as I am now, and as the person I want to be. I am no one's fucking victim.

Look What They've Done to My Brain, Ma...

Somewhere along the line, I learned that things are not what they seem. I am not who I seemed to be, and neither were the people around me. I couldn't get my bearings. I didn't know who to trust, but I knew it wasn't my mind or ego, or anyone/thing outside of myself. So I started to trust in and surrender to...Spirit, my Higher Self, the Universe, God, Jesus, and All of His Carpenter Friends. I was gifted several suspect situations with people who wanted to somehow "put me in my place". As I felt myself bending to outside authority, my soul said "NO!". I was allowed to get solid with what I believe, what I will allow, and what kind of energy I am willing to mix it up with. Who would think being shown things like mutual exploitation, energetic vampirism, betrayal, and injustice could be gifts?! Without actually seeing those things for what they are, I would have continued to unwittingly participate in those lower vibrational activities. I would not be who I say I am. I am no one's fucking victim.

I Wish I Could Find a Good Book to Live In...

In previous blog posts, I've mentioned many of the resources I have used on my healing journey and encourage you to take a gander if you feel so inspired. My current revolution is being divinely guided by Paolo Coelho's, The Alchemist, a short story providing the Cliffs Notes on following your dreams: Live out your "personal legend" by following the signs and omens, and by doing what you came into this life to do, no matter what obstacles happen upon your path. It is such a simple story, and THE BEST part for me was receiving an omen upon finishing Coelho's book in his teaser description of his next book. I witnessed a unique natural phenomenon a few years ago, which left me in awe and wonder, and with a knowing this was something profound and of the Divine. It took my breath away in the moment, and reading Coelho's teaser describing a form of that phenomenon after finishing his little parable that tilted the world on its access for me, well, it was a sign just for me! I absolutely love recognizing that I am always surrounded by divine magic - miracles!

The other book on my nightstand is by African Shaman Elder, Malidoma Patrice Somé, Of Water and The Spirit. Although a much heavier journey than that of Coelho's fable, Elder Malidoma's personal account of his experiences growing up in Dagara tribal culture and in the white man's seminary before his initiation, has left my jaw agape every night for weeks. This is not a book to be devoured, it is an account to be processed. I feel I am processing through my own journey with the help and experience of Elder Malidoma. I am nearly finished, and already planning to start back on page 1 to really grasp what I have just gone through relating to Elder Malidoma's experiences. I am no one's fucking victim.

Maybe It'll All Be Alright, Ma...

And I'm learning it really will all be ok! I started to let go of everything and the way I thought it should be. I continue to heal. I am learning to trust...myself. And as I feel my energy shift, I interact with the world differently. I feel like I am re-learning how to walk where gravity feels different. I can now speak with others who have gone through similar circumstances and share what helped me let go of the pain, at least what I have been able to release so far. It really does run so very deep. Every time I think I've "got it all", my shovel hits another rock that I have to excavate from my path. I've got this, for real, even on the days when I don't want to leave my bed. I am no one's fucking victim.

Just before I received the lesson on "mutual exploitation" through a specific circumstance in my little village, I heard circus music in my mind as I waved hello to one of the players in that lesson. After a few more real-life manifestations of my core soul wounds, I realized that the circus music I heard was similar to that at the beginning of Melanie's Look What They've Done to My Song, Ma. And so Melanie and I worked it out together while I belted out her tune written about what the world did with her song, Brand New Key. Melanie got there, and with her help as well as Paolo Coelho, Elder Malidoma, the real-life suspect players, and countless others who support me on the daily, I got there too. I am no one's victim. I am authentically me, doing what I came here to do...most of the time.

My Dark Night of the Soul Journey was necessary to reach where I am today. While I am still working through the residue of a lifetime of beliefs and behaviors that no longer serve me, I am so grateful to be the most authentic version of myself I have ever known. If you're curious, please join me at the beginning of this adventure of me. It has been a journey worth taking, for sure!

Waiting is the Hardest Part

As I sat at the intersection of a local county road and highway, I waited at the stop sign for two cars to make the left turn they signaled that they intended to make. Now, I may be a riskier driver than some, but it appeared that the first car was going to wait for oncoming traffic approaching from the next town, six miles away. Finally, the driver made a halted, stop-and-start run at the intersection. I cheered him on and gave him a thumbs-up as he passed by my window. And then the driver of the next car did the same damned thing! I about came out of my skin. My patience was nil after the first round, and I motioned for this next driver to “C’mon, just go, go, go”!!! This was NOT a four-way stop after all, and I had to wait until they cleared the intersection to continue on my way…forward.

After what seemed like hours waiting for these two cars to complete their turns at this intersection of Hell and Just Wait, I was finally able to cross the highway and be on my way. But not before a dose of the road rage from my daily commutes years ago reared its ugly head. I don’t like feeling or behaving that way, so just as quickly as I crossed the intersection, I began to reflect on my behavior and perspective.

I saw these two drivers as wasting my precious time, which seems such a premium these days. Total victim mentality, something I’ve declared I never actually was, nor ever will choose to be again. So, if not a victim, what was this showing me about myself? Where have I waited longer than needed to do something I am meant to do, safely, at that? When else have I poked and prodded others to move before they are ready? When have I allowed myself to be rushed? Why is waiting so hard for me? When have I just followed what the person ahead of me was doing, whether or not it was necessary or good for me?

Oh, Shirley! So many examples came flooding into my mind...

Deciding to have children much later than I would have chosen to had I not been living in fear. Pushing our oldest child to be someone she is not, on a timeline fit for institutionalized learning, not honoring who she is and what she needs. Pushing loved ones to be something they are not. Pushing others to do things at my pace, instead of honoring their own journey’s timing. Doing what everyone else is doing, cuz “that’s just how it’s always been done”. Not doing the one thing that brings me tremendous joy, because of fear of not being good enough. Learning (the hard way) that patience truly is a virtue. Making my health, happiness, and path forward someone else’s responsibility. The list goes on…and on.

Through my recent Dark Night of the Soul Journey, I have come to terms with many negative aspects of myself. Control Freak being at the top of the list. I have learned the origin of that need to control, and have healed its source. Today I give myself grace as the residue of 42 years of learned, practiced thoughts and behavior continue to surface, ready to be washed away. Today I give everyone else a break, even hesitant drivers, who I thought were delaying me on my path forward. Who knows, those four extra minutes I spent waiting for my turn may have prevented something bad from happening further down the road, or put something awesome in motion I will never know was connected to my time spent at the intersection of Hell and Just Wait.

Either way, I know something more about myself, my behavior, and the person I want to be. I feel only gratitude for this situation, as I allowed myself to be shown even more about my path forward…a most sparkly route, for sure!

I am so sad I didn't see this guy in concert before he passed away. Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers know it for sure..."The waiting is the hardest part..."

My Dark Night of the Soul Journey was necessary to reach where I am today. While I am still working through the residue of a lifetime of beliefs and behaviors that no longer serve me, I am so grateful to be the most authentic version of myself I have ever known. If you're curious, please join me at the beginning of this adventure of me. It has been a journey worth taking, for sure!