Waiting is the Hardest Part

As I sat at the intersection of a local county road and highway, I waited at the stop sign for two cars to make the left turn they signaled that they intended to make. Now, I may be a riskier driver than some, but it appeared that the first car was going to wait for oncoming traffic approaching from the next town, six miles away. Finally, the driver made a halted, stop-and-start run at the intersection. I cheered him on and gave him a thumbs-up as he passed by my window. And then the driver of the next car did the same damned thing! I about came out of my skin. My patience was nil after the first round, and I motioned for this next driver to “C’mon, just go, go, go”!!! This was NOT a four-way stop after all, and I had to wait until they cleared the intersection to continue on my way…forward.

After what seemed like hours waiting for these two cars to complete their turns at this intersection of Hell and Just Wait, I was finally able to cross the highway and be on my way. But not before a dose of the road rage from my daily commutes years ago reared its ugly head. I don’t like feeling or behaving that way, so just as quickly as I crossed the intersection, I began to reflect on my behavior and perspective.

I saw these two drivers as wasting my precious time, which seems such a premium these days. Total victim mentality, something I’ve declared I never actually was, nor ever will choose to be again. So, if not a victim, what was this showing me about myself? Where have I waited longer than needed to do something I am meant to do, safely, at that? When else have I poked and prodded others to move before they are ready? When have I allowed myself to be rushed? Why is waiting so hard for me? When have I just followed what the person ahead of me was doing, whether or not it was necessary or good for me?

Oh, Shirley! So many examples came flooding into my mind...

Deciding to have children much later than I would have chosen to had I not been living in fear. Pushing our oldest child to be someone she is not, on a timeline fit for institutionalized learning, not honoring who she is and what she needs. Pushing loved ones to be something they are not. Pushing others to do things at my pace, instead of honoring their own journey’s timing. Doing what everyone else is doing, cuz “that’s just how it’s always been done”. Not doing the one thing that brings me tremendous joy, because of fear of not being good enough. Learning (the hard way) that patience truly is a virtue. Making my health, happiness, and path forward someone else’s responsibility. The list goes on…and on.

Through my recent Dark Night of the Soul Journey, I have come to terms with many negative aspects of myself. Control Freak being at the top of the list. I have learned the origin of that need to control, and have healed its source. Today I give myself grace as the residue of 42 years of learned, practiced thoughts and behavior continue to surface, ready to be washed away. Today I give everyone else a break, even hesitant drivers, who I thought were delaying me on my path forward. Who knows, those four extra minutes I spent waiting for my turn may have prevented something bad from happening further down the road, or put something awesome in motion I will never know was connected to my time spent at the intersection of Hell and Just Wait.

Either way, I know something more about myself, my behavior, and the person I want to be. I feel only gratitude for this situation, as I allowed myself to be shown even more about my path forward…a most sparkly route, for sure!

I am so sad I didn't see this guy in concert before he passed away. Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers know it for sure..."The waiting is the hardest part..."

My Dark Night of the Soul Journey was necessary to reach where I am today. While I am still working through the residue of a lifetime of beliefs and behaviors that no longer serve me, I am so grateful to be the most authentic version of myself I have ever known. If you're curious, please join me at the beginning of this adventure of me. It has been a journey worth taking, for sure!