Oh, this one runs deep. Real, real deep. So deep, in fact, it is compromising my body's ability to process the regular, everyday physical stuff. This emotional hoarding, along with some poor lifestyle choices, and my spiritual journey via a high-speed train for several years, has got my system in overload...and I am struggling to be who I came here to be, and do what I came here to do.
I want to tell you all my tales of woe starring my core soul wounds: abandonment, rejection, betrayal, humiliation, and injustice, but at this point, those stories don't even matter. My young kiddos often want to find who is at "fault" for any given unsavory circumstance. I speak to them now about responsibility instead of fault, giving myself a lesson too. All those things, those core wounds, really happened to me, beginning in childhood, and those experiences shaped who I have become...or not become. No, none of that was my fault, but it is entirely my responsibility to heal those wounds as I become aware of them. If I choose to remain unaware or unwilling to do this healing, those wounds will continue to be ripped open through present-day circumstances, reaffirming a sense of victimization. I am no one's fucking victim.
Look What They've Done to My Song, Ma...
No matter who I'd like to blame (and then shame, and then force into indentured servitude under my unyielding control), it is my responsibility to heal these core soul wounds and not behave from the same darkness my aggressors have. It is for me to come to terms with the fact that I don't really know who I am. I only know myself through the lens of these injuries and the coping mechanisms I developed to stumble through life, attempting to never feel those things again. I have only known myself through others and their needs, so I could feel safe...and resent every bit of it! It is my responsibility to get to know myself as I am now, and as the person I want to be. I am no one's fucking victim.
Look What They've Done to My Brain, Ma...
Somewhere along the line, I learned that things are not what they seem. I am not who I seemed to be, and neither were the people around me. I couldn't get my bearings. I didn't know who to trust, but I knew it wasn't my mind or ego, or anyone/thing outside of myself. So I started to trust in and surrender to...Spirit, my Higher Self, the Universe, God, Jesus, and All of His Carpenter Friends. I was gifted several suspect situations with people who wanted to somehow "put me in my place". As I felt myself bending to outside authority, my soul said "NO!". I was allowed to get solid with what I believe, what I will allow, and what kind of energy I am willing to mix it up with. Who would think being shown things like mutual exploitation, energetic vampirism, betrayal, and injustice could be gifts?! Without actually seeing those things for what they are, I would have continued to unwittingly participate in those lower vibrational activities. I would not be who I say I am. I am no one's fucking victim.
I Wish I Could Find a Good Book to Live In...
In previous blog posts, I've mentioned many of the resources I have used on my healing journey and encourage you to take a gander if you feel so inspired. My current revolution is being divinely guided by Paolo Coelho's, The Alchemist, a short story providing the Cliffs Notes on following your dreams: Live out your "personal legend" by following the signs and omens, and by doing what you came into this life to do, no matter what obstacles happen upon your path. It is such a simple story, and THE BEST part for me was receiving an omen upon finishing Coelho's book in his teaser description of his next book. I witnessed a unique natural phenomenon a few years ago, which left me in awe and wonder, and with a knowing this was something profound and of the Divine. It took my breath away in the moment, and reading Coelho's teaser describing a form of that phenomenon after finishing his little parable that tilted the world on its access for me, well, it was a sign just for me! I absolutely love recognizing that I am always surrounded by divine magic - miracles!
Maybe It'll All Be Alright, Ma...
And I'm learning it really will all be ok! I started to let go of everything and the way I thought it should be. I continue to heal. I am learning to trust...myself. And as I feel my energy shift, I interact with the world differently. I feel like I am re-learning how to walk where gravity feels different. I can now speak with others who have gone through similar circumstances and share what helped me let go of the pain, at least what I have been able to release so far. It really does run so very deep. Every time I think I've "got it all", my shovel hits another rock that I have to excavate from my path. I've got this, for real, even on the days when I don't want to leave my bed. I am no one's fucking victim.
Just before I received the lesson on "mutual exploitation" through a specific circumstance in my little village, I heard circus music in my mind as I waved hello to one of the players in that lesson. After a few more real-life manifestations of my core soul wounds, I realized that the circus music I heard was similar to that at the beginning of Melanie's Look What They've Done to My Song, Ma. And so Melanie and I worked it out together while I belted out her tune written about what the world did with her song, Brand New Key. Melanie got there, and with her help as well as Paolo Coelho, Elder Malidoma, the real-life suspect players, and countless others who support me on the daily, I got there too. I am no one's victim. I am authentically me, doing what I came here to do...most of the time.
My Dark Night of the Soul Journey was necessary to reach where I am today. While I am still working through the residue of a lifetime of beliefs and behaviors that no longer serve me, I am so grateful to be the most authentic version of myself I have ever known. If you're curious, please join me at the beginning of this adventure of me. It has been a journey worth taking, for sure!
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