Except I didn't warn anyone...I told everyone! There's a difference between a warning label and an explanation of benefits. Maybe I should come with both...hehe. And, I didn't tell anyone to stay away, either. I invited those I thought were of like mind in with my genuine warmth, energy, and vision of co-creating something really special in the world, part of a new existence that I feel we are all moving toward collectively. I ignored all sorts of signs that not everyone is ready or even wants to be a part of something so different from what we are used to, or maybe just not in the way that I want them to be. I know better now, but it took some hard knocks to understand. I had to learn a few things about myself, pieces I left abandoned in the shadows before I could see the forest through the trees.
In 2018, I went through a radical transformation - mind, body, and soul. With the help of many different resources, including Julia Cameron's, The Artist's Way, and Connie Kaplan's, The Invisible Garment, I discovered parts of myself I didn't know existed and read about the way I "be" in the world within the pages of those books.
In my blog post from August of 2021, The Artist's Way...My Way!, I describe the life-changing experiences I had working through that book. The Invisible Garment is a body of work delivered to the author from the divine, from Angels. I've had a few real-life angelic visits myself, so Kaplan's work piqued my interest for sure. Kaplan received an explanation of 30 life principles, our primary reasons for incarnating in this life, and was instructed to share them with the world. Using my natal birth chart, I found which principle matches with aspects of my chart. My primary life principle is Resistance, but it doesn't mean what you think.
In this context, Kaplan defines resistance as a resistor in an electrical circuit, which changes the flow of energy within the circuit. I change the flow of energy everywhere I go. I am the thing that one comes in contact with that allows one's authentic self to be seen, to be heard. The good, the bad, the ugly - whatever is meant to come up within our experience together. I am dying to be truly seen and heard, so it never occurred to me that others may not feel the same way. I am a big-ideas and future-focused vision person, looking for other dreamers who share in my kind of vision for the future, one filled with more light, love, respect, cooperation, and willingness to give of ourselves for the greater good. So far, the ones most resistant to the energy shifts I unintentionally create are filled with fear...of change. I've upset more than a few apple carts so far on this journey...oops!
I read Kaplan's four-page explanation of "Resistance" and I wept with relief. I have walked through my entire life feeling as though I was unloveable, unwanted, and a problem for everyone close to me. While I no longer believe I'm unloveable, I kinda am a problem for those close to me. I am definitely viewed as the problem for people not ready or unwilling to change and evolve, which is not entirely untrue. It just isn't the whole truth.
I can't know in every instance, but I've been shown enough to know that once I go away, the "problem" still remains. We can blame the messenger, but we can't unhear the message without numbing ourselves into oblivion. Believe me, I've tried. I am not the only "resistor" out there in the world, and I have run into a few mirrors of my own. I am not the problem, I am the one flowing the energy available to make those life changes. Just like our gifts of music, art, and words, my gift flows through me, regardless of one's readiness to receive it.
Even when I read this definition of myself, my primary reason for existing in this lifetime, I didn't recognize it as a gift. It was a thing, for sure, but certainly more of a curse than anything. It has led to a lonely existence at times, as people who are not a match for what I bring (and vice versa), fall away, and many run screaming. The ones who feel they must stick around are super uncomfortable around me, and I, them, if they want to stand still, or I want to push. I am sure many of those people feel tremendous relief outside of my presence after such an experience, but I've yet to meet one who doesn't want to either feed off of my energy or diminish me so they feel better. I have tried to diminish myself and behave more like how others want me to, but I just can't shut off the way I be in the world. I know better now. Before this understanding of myself, there was no good explanation beyond discomfort to describe what was actually happening. Until now that is...you've been warned. 😂
In fairness, being fully seen, especially in our darkness, is mostly an unwanted experience. I know when this happens to me, it is at the very least uncomfortable, if not downright painful. Sometimes I will deny what I'm being shown, but it's like trying to un-ring a bell. Once I see it (and that can take a while, at least for me), I am compelled to remain awake and aware, to take those rose-colored glasses off, and to truly see. Until that pea is removed from under my mattress, I cannot know the sleep of the just. I cannot show up fully in the world. I can no longer be me. If I know some truth about myself that I deny, I am just a fraud...and human. I now allow some grace between the initial awareness of a thing I can't quite square with, and the action to change said thing. That work is not instantaneous, but a willingness to go there is absolutely required.
"Dad, I just have to experience things myself!" I remember saying to my father in exasperation as a teenager about what felt like his unrelenting need to control.
"You can't live long enough to make all the mistakes, I'm just trying to help," he replied.
And so he was, at least in part, and I still needed to experience things for myself to truly understand. My dad and I were often at odds, but his heart was in the right place a lot of the time. I couldn't accept his gifts back then, but now I understand what he was trying to do. We enjoyed more than a few laughs together as I grew up...and I have had to eat a lot of crow. It's becoming a delicacy in my life.
So, here I am, with a much fuller understanding of how and why I walk through this world at this time. I know just enough or maybe have experienced just enough, to truly trust in the Universe...most of the time. I have been given so much in my life, especially in recent years. Since learning that operating as a "resistor" is my gift, I now know I am meant to give my gift freely, without expectation or control over what anyone chooses to do with my gift. Like with my dad, I can acknowledge the times I have been unable to accept someone's gift in the moment, and have appreciated the compassion and autonomy I required to grow in my own ways and in my own time. I am learning the true meaning of non-attachment, non-judgment, and flow. It is not easy for this recovering control freak, but it is work I am committed to after having been shown...the way.
And wonder what they see and why they couldn't see me clearer.
I try to hide in the shadows
To protect my ego
From all the dangerous people
Who threw my smile out the window."
Yes, some may "throw my smile out the window", but I now know my smile is my gift. My gift is not for everyone at the time I give it, and maybe they will never be able to accept it, but that doesn't mean I stop giving it. I couldn't even if I tried. I just cherish the time with those who can accept my gift, cuz sometimes I get to witness pure magic and I am so happy to have been a part of it!
I have lifetimes of anecdotal evidence that allows me to believe, to know, that the Universe truly has my back. And I'll have yours...when you're ready.
"Now I'm just sitting at the cafè deluxe
And saying "Baby, what you want from me?
You're the only one I know would ever talk to me.
And I know I shouldn't be talking to a coffee cup,
But you're the only one who lets me open up".
~Osei The Seventh
My Dark Night of the Soul Journey was necessary to reach where I am today. While I am still working through the residue of a lifetime of beliefs and behaviors that no longer serve me, I am so grateful to be the most authentic version of myself I have ever known. If you're curious, please join me at the beginning of this adventure of me. It has been a journey worth taking, for sure!
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