Baby, What You Want from Me?

"I try to pretend I'm the strongest. 

That one friend you have that can endure pain the longest. 

I try to bury my feelings so far you can't see them 

and try to put meaning to all the bad things I'm thinking.

And one by one they come to the edge

and everyone slips and falls in the trench. 

But I warned you to stay away, they said I'm damaged in every way..."

Except I didn't warn anyone...I told everyone! There's a difference between a warning label and an explanation of benefits. Maybe I should come with both...hehe.  And, I didn't tell anyone to stay away, either. I invited those I thought were of like mind in with my genuine warmth, energy, and vision of co-creating something really special in the world, part of a new existence that I feel we are all moving toward collectively. I ignored all sorts of signs that not everyone is ready or even wants to be a part of something so different from what we are used to, or maybe just not in the way that I want them to be. I know better now, but it took some hard knocks to understand. I had to learn a few things about myself, pieces I left abandoned in the shadows before I could see the forest through the trees.

In 2018, I went through a radical transformation - mind, body, and soul. With the help of many different resources, including Julia Cameron's, The Artist's Way, and Connie Kaplan's, The Invisible Garment, I discovered parts of myself I didn't know existed and read about the way I "be" in the world within the pages of those books.

In my blog post from August of 2021, The Artist's Way...My Way!, I describe the life-changing experiences I had working through that book. The Invisible Garment is a body of work delivered to the author from the divine, from Angels. I've had a few real-life angelic visits myself, so Kaplan's work piqued my interest for sure. Kaplan received an explanation of 30 life principles, our primary reasons for incarnating in this life, and was instructed to share them with the world. Using my natal birth chart, I found which principle matches with aspects of my chart. My primary life principle is Resistance, but it doesn't mean what you think.

In this context, Kaplan defines resistance as a resistor in an electrical circuit, which changes the flow of energy within the circuit. I change the flow of energy everywhere I go. I am the thing that one comes in contact with that allows one's authentic self to be seen, to be heard. The good, the bad, the ugly - whatever is meant to come up within our experience together. I am dying to be truly seen and heard, so it never occurred to me that others may not feel the same way. I am a big-ideas and future-focused vision person, looking for other dreamers who share in my kind of vision for the future, one filled with more light, love, respect, cooperation, and willingness to give of ourselves for the greater good. So far, the ones most resistant to the energy shifts I unintentionally create are filled with fear...of change. I've upset more than a few apple carts so far on this journey...oops!

I read Kaplan's four-page explanation of "Resistance" and I wept with relief. I have walked through my entire life feeling as though I was unloveable, unwanted, and a problem for everyone close to me. While I no longer believe I'm unloveable, I kinda am a problem for those close to me. I am definitely viewed as the problem for people not ready or unwilling to change and evolve, which is not entirely untrue. It just isn't the whole truth.

I can't know in every instance, but I've been shown enough to know that once I go away, the "problem" still remains. We can blame the messenger, but we can't unhear the message without numbing ourselves into oblivion. Believe me, I've tried. I am not the only "resistor" out there in the world, and I have run into a few mirrors of my own. I am not the problem, I am the one flowing the energy available to make those life changes. Just like our gifts of music, art, and words, my gift flows through me, regardless of one's readiness to receive it.

Even when I read this definition of myself, my primary reason for existing in this lifetime, I didn't recognize it as a gift. It was a thing, for sure, but certainly more of a curse than anything. It has led to a lonely existence at times, as people who are not a match for what I bring (and vice versa), fall away, and many run screaming. The ones who feel they must stick around are super uncomfortable around me, and I, them, if they want to stand still, or I want to push. I am sure many of those people feel tremendous relief outside of my presence after such an experience, but I've yet to meet one who doesn't want to either feed off of my energy or diminish me so they feel better. I have tried to diminish myself and behave more like how others want me to, but I just can't shut off the way I be in the world. I know better now. Before this understanding of myself, there was no good explanation beyond discomfort to describe what was actually happening. Until now that is...you've been warned. 😂

In fairness, being fully seen, especially in our darkness, is mostly an unwanted experience. I know when this happens to me, it is at the very least uncomfortable, if not downright painful. Sometimes I will deny what I'm being shown, but it's like trying to un-ring a bell. Once I see it (and that can take a while, at least for me), I am compelled to remain awake and aware, to take those rose-colored glasses off, and to truly see. Until that pea is removed from under my mattress, I cannot know the sleep of the just. I cannot show up fully in the world. I can no longer be me. If I know some truth about myself that I deny, I am just a fraud...and human. I now allow some grace between the initial awareness of a thing I can't quite square with, and the action to change said thing. That work is not instantaneous, but a willingness to go there is absolutely required.

"Dad, I just have to experience things myself!" I remember saying to my father in exasperation as a teenager about what felt like his unrelenting need to control. 

"You can't live long enough to make all the mistakes, I'm just trying to help," he replied. 

And so he was, at least in part, and I still needed to experience things for myself to truly understand. My dad and I were often at odds, but his heart was in the right place a lot of the time. I couldn't accept his gifts back then, but now I understand what he was trying to do. We enjoyed more than a few laughs together as I grew up...and I have had to eat a lot of crow. It's becoming a delicacy in my life.

So, here I am, with a much fuller understanding of how and why I walk through this world at this time. I know just enough or maybe have experienced just enough, to truly trust in the Universe...most of the time. I have been given so much in my life, especially in recent years. Since learning that operating as a "resistor" is my gift, I now know I am meant to give my gift freely, without expectation or control over what anyone chooses to do with my gift. Like with my dad, I can acknowledge the times I have been unable to accept someone's gift in the moment, and have appreciated the compassion and autonomy I required to grow in my own ways and in my own time. I am learning the true meaning of non-attachment, non-judgment, and flow. It is not easy for this recovering control freak, but it is work I am committed to after having been shown...the way.

"At times I look into the mirror,
And wonder what they see and why they couldn't see me clearer.
I try to hide in the shadows
To protect my ego
From all the dangerous people
Who threw my smile out the window."

Yes, some may "throw my smile out the window", but I now know my smile is my gift. My gift is not for everyone at the time I give it, and maybe they will never be able to accept it, but that doesn't mean I stop giving it. I couldn't even if I tried. I just cherish the time with those who can accept my gift, cuz sometimes I get to witness pure magic and I am so happy to have been a part of it!

I have lifetimes of anecdotal evidence that allows me to believe, to know, that the Universe truly has my back. And I'll have yours...when you're ready.

"Now I'm just sitting at the cafè deluxe
And saying "Baby, what you want from me?
You're the only one I know would ever talk to me.
And I know I shouldn't be talking to a coffee cup,
But you're the only one who lets me open up".

~Osei The Seventh

My Dark Night of the Soul Journey was necessary to reach where I am today. While I am still working through the residue of a lifetime of beliefs and behaviors that no longer serve me, I am so grateful to be the most authentic version of myself I have ever known. If you're curious, please join me at the beginning of this adventure of me. It has been a journey worth taking, for sure!

Maybe It'll All Be Alright, Ma

Resentment...

Oh, this one runs deep. Real, real deep. So deep, in fact, it is compromising my body's ability to process the regular, everyday physical stuff. This emotional hoarding, along with some poor lifestyle choices, and my spiritual journey via a high-speed train for several years, has got my system in overload...and I am struggling to be who I came here to be, and do what I came here to do.

I want to tell you all my tales of woe starring my core soul wounds: abandonment, rejection, betrayal, humiliation, and injustice, but at this point, those stories don't even matter. My young kiddos often want to find who is at "fault" for any given unsavory circumstance. I speak to them now about responsibility instead of fault, giving myself a lesson too. All those things, those core wounds, really happened to me, beginning in childhood, and those experiences shaped who I have become...or not become. No, none of that was my fault, but it is entirely my responsibility to heal those wounds as I become aware of them. If I choose to remain unaware or unwilling to do this healing, those wounds will continue to be ripped open through present-day circumstances, reaffirming a sense of victimization. I am no one's fucking victim.

Look What They've Done to My Song, Ma...

No matter who I'd like to blame (and then shame, and then force into indentured servitude under my unyielding control), it is my responsibility to heal these core soul wounds and not behave from the same darkness my aggressors have. It is for me to come to terms with the fact that I don't really know who I am. I only know myself through the lens of these injuries and the coping mechanisms I developed to stumble through life, attempting to never feel those things again. I have only known myself through others and their needs, so I could feel safe...and resent every bit of it! It is my responsibility to get to know myself as I am now, and as the person I want to be. I am no one's fucking victim.

Look What They've Done to My Brain, Ma...

Somewhere along the line, I learned that things are not what they seem. I am not who I seemed to be, and neither were the people around me. I couldn't get my bearings. I didn't know who to trust, but I knew it wasn't my mind or ego, or anyone/thing outside of myself. So I started to trust in and surrender to...Spirit, my Higher Self, the Universe, God, Jesus, and All of His Carpenter Friends. I was gifted several suspect situations with people who wanted to somehow "put me in my place". As I felt myself bending to outside authority, my soul said "NO!". I was allowed to get solid with what I believe, what I will allow, and what kind of energy I am willing to mix it up with. Who would think being shown things like mutual exploitation, energetic vampirism, betrayal, and injustice could be gifts?! Without actually seeing those things for what they are, I would have continued to unwittingly participate in those lower vibrational activities. I would not be who I say I am. I am no one's fucking victim.

I Wish I Could Find a Good Book to Live In...

In previous blog posts, I've mentioned many of the resources I have used on my healing journey and encourage you to take a gander if you feel so inspired. My current revolution is being divinely guided by Paolo Coelho's, The Alchemist, a short story providing the Cliffs Notes on following your dreams: Live out your "personal legend" by following the signs and omens, and by doing what you came into this life to do, no matter what obstacles happen upon your path. It is such a simple story, and THE BEST part for me was receiving an omen upon finishing Coelho's book in his teaser description of his next book. I witnessed a unique natural phenomenon a few years ago, which left me in awe and wonder, and with a knowing this was something profound and of the Divine. It took my breath away in the moment, and reading Coelho's teaser describing a form of that phenomenon after finishing his little parable that tilted the world on its access for me, well, it was a sign just for me! I absolutely love recognizing that I am always surrounded by divine magic - miracles!

The other book on my nightstand is by African Shaman Elder, Malidoma Patrice Somé, Of Water and The Spirit. Although a much heavier journey than that of Coelho's fable, Elder Malidoma's personal account of his experiences growing up in Dagara tribal culture and in the white man's seminary before his initiation, has left my jaw agape every night for weeks. This is not a book to be devoured, it is an account to be processed. I feel I am processing through my own journey with the help and experience of Elder Malidoma. I am nearly finished, and already planning to start back on page 1 to really grasp what I have just gone through relating to Elder Malidoma's experiences. I am no one's fucking victim.

Maybe It'll All Be Alright, Ma...

And I'm learning it really will all be ok! I started to let go of everything and the way I thought it should be. I continue to heal. I am learning to trust...myself. And as I feel my energy shift, I interact with the world differently. I feel like I am re-learning how to walk where gravity feels different. I can now speak with others who have gone through similar circumstances and share what helped me let go of the pain, at least what I have been able to release so far. It really does run so very deep. Every time I think I've "got it all", my shovel hits another rock that I have to excavate from my path. I've got this, for real, even on the days when I don't want to leave my bed. I am no one's fucking victim.

Just before I received the lesson on "mutual exploitation" through a specific circumstance in my little village, I heard circus music in my mind as I waved hello to one of the players in that lesson. After a few more real-life manifestations of my core soul wounds, I realized that the circus music I heard was similar to that at the beginning of Melanie's Look What They've Done to My Song, Ma. And so Melanie and I worked it out together while I belted out her tune written about what the world did with her song, Brand New Key. Melanie got there, and with her help as well as Paolo Coelho, Elder Malidoma, the real-life suspect players, and countless others who support me on the daily, I got there too. I am no one's victim. I am authentically me, doing what I came here to do...most of the time.

My Dark Night of the Soul Journey was necessary to reach where I am today. While I am still working through the residue of a lifetime of beliefs and behaviors that no longer serve me, I am so grateful to be the most authentic version of myself I have ever known. If you're curious, please join me at the beginning of this adventure of me. It has been a journey worth taking, for sure!