Oh boy, so much has gone down since I was last inspired to write. Thinking back to over a year ago when I began this work, I realized that I started my blogging experience with a daily entry, spurred and supported by a dear friend and avid writer and creative, Lisa K. Adams. Instead of looking forward, I am looking back for a way through my current life circumstances.
So, which is the way that's clear?
Since descending into my Dark Night of the Soul Journey one year ago, I have done so much internal work! Although in many present-day moments I often think "Wow, how can I still be this f'd up after all this healing work?!" And then I turn and look down the latest mountain I have summited and I feel like a rock star! I used to go looking for problems to heal, which took me down a dark, tormented, seemingly endless path to nowhere good.
Now, I allow myself to work with the next thing that comes into my awareness. I don't know about you, but there seems to be a quickening, individually and as a collective on this planet. All the things we attempted to sweep under the rug have been built to mass proportion and need to be healed and released. I have given up on global concerns, which used to be of utmost importance to me. Speaking for myself only, I have determined that by healing myself, I am healing my children and my lineage, bringing more authenticity and light into the world by releasing my own darkness.
Who goes with us, wherever it is we are going?
Quite simply, those who are ready. I have made some drastic changes in my life in recent years. Some people have embraced and supported me, while others have not. Some, who I thought would walk with me through my entire life, are no longer even acquaintances. Some have taken my hand and have shown me the way through my own darkness, just as I have done for others. I have received so many gifts in the form of new connections, and strengthened old ones, with beautiful humans who have taken the time to support me in one way or another, and I hope I have done the same for them.
It was always important for me to feel liked and appreciated, even if that meant behaving in ways that pleased others while undermining myself. I have learned being liked is no longer a concern as long as I am genuinely myself. Only those who value me will be a part of my life and I can wish all the others well on their own journeys. I learned this in such a stark and startling way about a year ago. Within the span of one minute, I encountered a beautiful soul who told me how much they loved me and what I'm putting out in the world, followed by another expressing "I HATE that woman!!" after they thought I had left the restroom. My thoughts were tormented for days after, trying to reconcile why and how I could have earned someone's hatred, especially someone I have almost no interaction with at all?!
One of Don Miguel Ruiz's agreements in his book, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, states "Don't take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a result of their own dream or perception of their rules. We all make rules about how things should be, but when you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering".
Well, ain't that the truth?! With no way to redress whatever I had done to earn this person's hatred, I had to choose to not take that statement personally, or let it eat me alive. It took a hot minute, but I got there...a place I'm quite sure I won't be seeing my super non-fan. A place I'm glad to have found, along with all the others who were already there waiting. A place I didn't have to travel to find, but I did have to journey deep to be able to see it when I got there.
What do we do when we get there?
We keep showing up and doing the work. The healing, the learning, and growing. The celebrating and the grieving. The chopping wood and carrying water. We do the things that light us up and share them with others. The light, the dark, and everything in between. I make my children watch Disney/Pixar's movie Soul with me whenever they are agreeable to it. In the end, the main character wonders aloud "I thought I would feel different" after he attained one of his life-long dreams. His colleague tells him a story of a young fish who swims up to an older fish and asks "Where is the ocean?" The older fish answers, "you're in the ocean right now". The younger fish replies "This?! This is just water. I wanna swim in the ocean!" So, maybe part of what we do when we get there is realize we've always been there, some of us just couldn't see that from our distorted views and beliefs.
Why do we choose to go, anyway?
Because we believe it will be better. Better than what is right now, wherever we are. Again, I can only speak for myself, but I believe my motivation to change and grow - to go there, is because I believe I will be a better person after having made this kind of sacred journey. As a mama, a co-parent, a partner, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a community member..., there is no way a more healed version of myself doesn't benefit me and everyone in my life. As a better, stronger, wiser, more solid version of myself, I am more equipped to share who I am and what I am doing, right here, right now. And what I'm doing is no big deal to anyone but myself and the people who want to share in the experience and vision I bring...when I arrive.
David Essex says we Rock On...good 'nuf for me!
My Dark Night of the Soul Journey was necessary to reach where I am today. While I am still working through the residue of a lifetime of beliefs and behaviors that no longer serve me, I am so grateful to be the most authentic version of myself I have ever known. If you're curious, please join me at the beginning of this adventure of me. It has been a journey worth taking, for sure!
