“We’re all dying,
Shirley"! Ma exclaimed as I told her that Dad is nearing the end of his life. I
agreed but explained the why’s and how’s of his expedited journey now.
I’m sure to some, including my Ma,
I have a rather cavalier attitude surrounding death. I’d like to give you the
4-1-1 on my beliefs in detail, but suffice to say, I believe when it’s our time
to go, it’s our time to go. I will dearly miss all of those I love who pass
before me, including my dad. I am doing my best to honor their lives by living
mine with honesty, integrity, and allowing my unique, authentic sparkle to
guide me on this journey, as open to new experiences as I can be. I won’t always
get it right, but I heard you can't get it wrong, cuz you can never get it done. I kinda love that idea.
I won’t pretend to tell you what a
great kid I have been – I haven’t. I gave my parents a run for their money as
their baby (13 years after their last baby), as their only girl, and as
the most sensitive of humans. They didn’t know how to deal with me, and at 43,
I’m just beginning to know myself. I was a handful, but not in the traditional
ways one might think. I didn’t act out in school, but I hated going there. It
was…too much. Too much noise, too much stress, too much anger, and condescension
from a few adults dealing with their own lives within a
less-than-perfect system. I didn't know how to navigate well as a highly sensitive person, so as a child, I made myself sick feeling badly
for those “naughty kids” who kept getting yelled at every day. I could feel
something was amiss with each one of them, and wanted to scream “THEY DON’T
DESERVE TO BE YELLED AT"!!! But, I didn’t. I fretted and turned myself into an
anxious knot, sick with worry about these kids who seemed to have no safe place
to land. Some of whom, I found out later, came from homes where love, safety, and food were intermittent luxuries.
I didn’t know the details of any of
their situations then, but I could feel it. I could feel their
defeat and shame as their cries for help were drowned out by punishment and
harsh tones and words. I couldn’t fix it. I couldn’t explain it. I couldn’t
take it. I stayed home sick…a lot. I am so thankful that some folks who could
help them, did. I just didn’t recognize it at the time.
I reflect on those situations now,
as I feel judgment from many of those outside of my sphere. In the eyes of
many, I am now one of those “naughty kids”, whose behavior indicates deep pain
within. In recent years, I allowed my elderly loved ones to fend for themselves
in ways and situations in which I used to be heavily involved. And, until
recently, I was no longer involved, at all. I couldn’t fix it. I couldn’t
explain it. I couldn’t take it. As an adult, continuing my deep growth and
transformation, I now call my behavior “setting boundaries”, but I understand
that it can look and feel like abandonment.
So now, there’s nothing left to
fix, explain or take. There is only finding a new way of life that allows
everyone to live out their days with a little more peace and a little more joy.
With the help of many, many Earth Angels, my brothers and I put together a plan
to help our dad return to Montana, a place he called “home” for 14 years. A
place where his heart and soul feel at ease.
Our Dad has flown ONE time in his
life, and he hated it, so when he said he wanted to charter a plane to his old
stomping grounds in Broadus, MT, my brother and I just looked at each other in
dumbfounded confusion. After some flailing around with that idea, I made the
calls, asked the questions, and got a flight set up from Eau Claire, WI, to
Miles City, MT, just over an hour away from his final destination. The runway
in Broadus, MT, was too short for the plane by 900 feet. Damn!
Oh, the journeys I went on with my
family from Thanksgiving until our December 14 flight! Each day of preparation
brought its own trek through emotional minefields I would have preferred to
avoid, but the time had come for some explosions to clear the air. Like so many
others, I have much to acknowledge, forgive, let go of, restore, and honor. My
biggest fear was that one of those emotional minefields would render us unable
to carry out this grand plan…together. Instead, this experience has
brought us closer, a kinship I never knew due to such extreme age differences.
Even through all of the difficult emotions, realizations, abandoned dreams, and
heart-wrenching experiences I may face now or in the future, I have found a
true sense of family, within my family. I would choose other words, but
Ma’s “Praise the Lord!” seems to fit, just about right.
When I reflect on what has come to pass and what will in the future, I think of my children, their experience here, and the kind of parent I am. Lots of good, bad, and ugly come up for me to reflect on, but this thought rose to the top: I ask two things of my kids when it comes to school or outside expectations:
1. That you always do your best
2. That you allow yourself to have fun
As I learn and evolve, my "best" becomes better each time, but I will never be perfect. The best I can do at any moment is be authentically me, "imperfectly perfect," I hear a dear friend's voice saying in my mind. Throughout life and certainly, when faced with the challenges of recent years, I was not always graceful or kind, but I can say with complete honesty, I did my very best.
And when it was time to leave on that jet plane, by-golly, we allowed ourselves to have some fun!
I know this song is by John Denver, but I LOVE Peter, Paul and Mary's version. I remember watching them with my parents on PBS when I was a kid. Their harmonies moved me just as much then as they do today. "...don't know when I'll be back again...leavin' on a jet plane..." Oh boy, the feels! This wasn't a romantic send-off, but I'm quite sure it was one of the most dramatic I'll know in my life. Here's to safe soul travels of all kinds!
My Dark Night of the Soul Journey was necessary to reach where I am today. While I am still working through the residue of a lifetime of beliefs and behaviors that no longer serve me, I am so grateful to be the most authentic version of myself I have ever known. If you're curious, please join me at the beginning of this adventure of me. It has been a journey worth taking, for sure!
