Almost the entire month of September was an uphill
battle for me of moving…forward. I have A LOT of big stuff to do, and I
do mean A LOT. Normally, working under pressure is when I do my best, most
inspired work, but not in this current reality. In fact, the more pressure I
felt, the more I folded in on myself. After the first week of September, I
experienced my first bout of writer’s block, which triggered a fear within me
similar to the fear during the birth of our first child. Although I’m beyond
biological child-bearing years for this life, I have many, many more metaphorical
babies to birth before I’m done on this rock.
When I was rushed into the OR for an emergency c-section
delivery of our daughter, I had a fleeting thought that there is just no way
she could be done before she even got a start in this life. Now, having just begun
my work as a writer, I am not at all ready to face losing my newfound voice. I
panicked at the loss of inspiration so close to having received it in the first
place. Sometimes we need intervention to help bring something to life. In the
hospital, I was surrounded by life-saving professionals who helped bring our
baby into the world swiftly, with the care she needed to thrive. When it comes
to my writing, I am the only one with the power to resuscitate my voice and
allow it to thrive again. Oh the pressure!
It didn’t work to focus on my perceived problem, instead, I
had to look at the circumstances around it. What was blocking me from
inspiration? I found I was blocked by a long to-do list that I had avoided or
procrastinated, and also by not allowing myself to adventure outside of my
comfort zone – in all the ways. I checked off the simple tasks I could quickly
complete and took myself on an artist’s date to a place I had never been, with
no one else invited. I was not more than half an hour into my road trip and
received inspiration for my next piece. My voice was not lost, just blocked by
my own unhealthy behavioral patterns, which must change to become fully me
anyway. Change...often so difficult for me, but brings such sweet relief!
In addition to writing, I am creating something I am super
passionate about that I hope will reach far beyond myself and my little family.
Unlike emergency surgery, I am required to stay lucid, awake and must fully
participate in this birthing process. I feel scared. I don’t feel capable, which
for a recovering perfectionist is a recipe for…giving up. Since the Universe is super smooth, it has put me in a place where giving up is not an option. Or maybe that's my soul - either one, it knows what I need. I am
required to claim more of who I am, what I am capable of, as well as cultivate
an understanding of self-worth that I have not yet fully embraced. And change - I must do things differently than I have in the past to be the person I truly am today.
I am again surrounded by professionals who are helping me
bring my latest creation to life. I am so grateful for their help, inspiration,
excitement, and willingness to allow me to lean on their expertise while I
learn my way through this new adventure. Just feeling safe enough to ask stupid
questions and say “I don’t know how to do this” has offered so much relief and
freedom! And just like the beginning of my journey as a writer, I have had to
lean hard on these kind souls to show me the way. Their support has
meant the world to me, a gift I will not squander.
Their belief in me and this project has helped me believe in
myself and the value this venture will bring to our place in this world. Even under
all this pressure…
Thanks to my awesome co-parent, here’s a version of Under
Pressure I hadn’t heard before, performed by two of the most other-worldly
humans I can think of!
My Dark Night of the Soul Journey was necessary to reach where I am today. While I am still working through the residue of a lifetime of beliefs and behaviors that no longer serve me, I am so grateful to be the most authentic version of myself I have ever known. If you're curious, please join me at the beginning of this adventure of me. It has been a journey worth taking, for sure!
