I am writing the beginning of this post days after I received the inspiration for what follows. As I write this opening paragraph, I feel so utterly alone, abandoned, misunderstood, unappreciated, unloved and frightened. Where my heart existed, a void now exists. I now know I was given the following memories to fill this void with something other than the darkness and despair I feel at this moment. For that, I am so very grateful.
As I think about what is to come in the not-too-distant-future, my mind goes back to my childhood, and the Gatlin Brothers song, All the Gold in California. My dad used to play this when I was a kid - it was "our song". I loved it because of the deep bass voice and acapella harmonies at the beginning and middle of the song, and because it lit my dad up! I don't know exactly why Dad loved it, but he would play it both when he was happy and when we needed a pick-me-up.
I remember one of those needed pick-me-up times distinctly, when I was five years old, the summer before I started Kindergarten. I had just gotten my MMR booster shot required before entering public school. Like many others, the booster shot made me quite ill. I don't know the severity relative to others in the same boat, but I was very ill...deathly ill.
I didn't know that at the time, and if you spoke to my family they would likely laugh and scoff at me for being so "dramatic" about getting sick after that shot. I was only five and had a terribly high fever, so my memory is not clear, but it is distinctly real.
I was in and out of consciousness as I lay on our ridiculously long couch in the dark living room, underneath the tapestry of da Vinci's "The Last Supper". Father Murphy, St. Mary's parish priest in Galesville, WI, was close with the previous owners of my parents' home in Trempealeau, so he knew their house had "just the wall" to fit such an immense piece, and that my mother could not say "no" to the offer. The left bottom corner of the tapestry became a little ragged and slightly darkened over the years, as I loved to run my hand over the soft corner I could reach while lying beneath it. There was no reaching for the velvet of the tapestry on that bright summer day, as I was too weak and too consumed by pain to move. Instead, I remember looking at Christ's open palm and taking comfort in his serene face, as compared to the angry lot of disciples around him at the table.
The only light came in from the attached dining room, and it was hard to believe outside it was a beautiful summer day. Inside, I fevered, I shook and whimpered and moaned. There was no place to be comfortable and at some point, I didn't just feel sick, I felt scared. Shortly after that tremendous fear took over me, I was out again. When I came to, my Aunt Doris was praying over me. I don't remember the exact prayers, but I imagine The Our Father, The Hail Mary, you know, traditional Catholic penance fare, and likely some of her own lovely words to the heavenly beings with which she had a close connection. Had I known about the Seven Sacraments at that age, I would have asked for my last rites...for real.
As Aunt Doris prayed over me, I felt so comforted. I felt wave after wave of unconditional love showering over me. Yes, some from my Auntie for sure, but the source of that unconditional love I received through her prayer was Angels. They were BIG, they were BRIGHT, and they surrounded us and filled my parents' living room. I can't tell you how many were there, as their brightness made their outlines fuzzy. I see four distinct angels in my mind's eye, and it felt like a lot more from my small child's perspective.
I don't know if any of my other family members were in the room as Aunt Doris and the Angels prayed over me, and I don't know how long after their visit my fever broke. I don't know if I was as close to death as I now imagine I was, but I do know I was protected and I was loved. I know the fear disappeared as soon as I felt the waves of unconditional love showering over me as the Angels watched and Aunt Doris prayed.
As of this writing, I've only told one other person about the angels 'round me and my Auntie that day, and it was only in recent months. I didn't really remember the event as a child, and certainly never spoke of it. Now that I have had several experiences as an awake, aware adult, I know the events of that day really happened. I have felt the Angels' presence in my life in this last year several times, the most profound experience happened early this summer, just as I had begun my "Dark Night of the Soul" journey.
As my children played at Copeland Park in the splash pad with one of their friends, I sat at a picnic table just outside of the playground fray, completely immersed in my internal state of coming undone. I played a beautiful song an acquaintance had just sent to me because they could "feel" that I needed it. As I listened, a very thin girl, about my own daughter's age, came walking by with her caregiver. Although she could only look off in the distance to my left, she marched right over to me and asked, "Were you just listening to a song"?
"Yes, would you like me to play it again for you"? I replied. She excitedly shook her head "YES"!! As the song played, she did her own little unique dance, completely lost in her own world. When it finished, her caregiver and I just looked at each other, the young girl looking off in the distance to my left. I didn't know what to do or say, so I asked "Do you want to hang out with me for a little while"?
"No," she cheerfully replied, and my heart kind of sank. Never looking at me, she then asked if she could give me a hug.
"Sure," I replied, and I opened my arms. That frail little girl held me, this big, grown-up stranger, in the middle of Copeland Park.
"Ok, bye!" she said as she released her embrace. Her caregiver gave me a big smile as the tears started to roll down my cheeks, and off they went. Through that little girl, I felt the unconditional love of the Angels, the same as when I was five years old. I allowed myself to come undone, "right there in front of God and Everybody", as Ma would say. My own daughter had seen the interaction from afar, and as soon as the girl had walked away, Stella was at my side asking what that little girl wanted.
Through heaving and sobbing, just as I am doing as I write this, I told my Stella girl, "That was an Angel, baby, sent to give Mama love when I needed it more than ever".
I'm making a map of my life, and the terrain ahead looks rough and I'm not sure how I will navigate all the mountains and valleys. I'm not sure how things will turn out, nor how long my fellow travelers will be with me on this journey. I do know I will never be alone. I will always be held in the arms of the Angels - both Earth-side and Etheric. I love and appreciate all the support that surrounds me and those I love. We're gonna need it!
Usually, one distinct song jumps out for each of my posts. This one has two! I hope you enjoy them as much as I have. After all, "It's the stuff of country songs..." ~U2, If God Will Send His Angels
